The landlady of the wild rover's local? That's an idea:

I was stood at the bar when this pillock came in,
And he asked for a drink without showing no tin.
So I told him "Look chummy, this isn't a bank,
If you want something free, just you go have a wash."
And there's no tick, never, these words I repeat,
If you ask me for credit, you'll be out in the street.

Well he dips in his pockets, this ignorant sod,
And he says "Loads-a-money" and he flashes a wad.
So I tells him quite politely, "If you've money to spare,
You are welcome to drink till you falls off your chair
But there's no tick, never, these words I repeat,
If you ask me for credit, you'll be out in the street."

Well he drinks and he drinks, till he can't drink no more,
Then he staggers around and he crawls out the door,
Going home to his Mummy, to beg for a sub -
There's some right bleeding nutters I serve in this pub.
And there's no tick never, these words I repeat,
If you ask me for credit, you'll be out in the street.

You'll note I've shipped it back to England - to what you might call an English theme pub in fact...