Yes, it's probably quite true that this thread is fucked, but Martin Gibson is:

Answering the Bone-A-Phone
Applying the hand brake
Arguing with Henry Longfellow
Arm-wrestling the purple-headed stormtrooper
Asking for a second opinion (from his second head)
Assaulting a friendly weapon
Attacking the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
Attending to the throb knob needs
Auditioning the hand puppet
Playing backstroke roulette
Badgering the witness
Baiting his hook
Bangin' his bacon
Banging one out
Banging the Cyclops
Bashing the Bishop
Bashing the candle
Bashing the pear
Basting the ham
Taking batting practice
Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger
Beatin' Bobby
Beating Bob and the twins
Beating Jack
Beating off
Beating the bait
Beating the balloon
Beating the balogna
Beating the beagle
Beating the bed flute
Beating the Bishop
Beating the dummy
Beating the fuck out of your best friend
Beating the goat
Beating the old man
Beating the pud
Beating the shit out of your incapacitated midget
Beating the snake
Beating the snot outta Rotney
Beating the snotty end of my fuck stick
Beating the stick
Beating his meat
Cooking beef-stroke-it-off
Being a virtuoso of the skin flute
Being rough with the sex stick
Being his own best friend
Belaboring the obvious
Biffing off
Bleeding the weed
Blowing his load
Blowing his own horn
Bludgeoning the beefsteak
Playing blueball baseball
Bobbing his boloney
Bonging his shlong
Booting up the hard drive
Bopping Richard
Bopping the bishop
Bopping the Bonzo
Bouncing the bunny
Boxing Oscar
Boxing Oscar in the closet
Boxing the bald champ
Boxing the clown
Boxing the Jesuit
Boxing the Jesuit and getting cockroaches
Boxing the one-eyed clown
Boxing the trouser mouse
Boxing with Richard
Breaking the fish tank
Buckin' it
Buffin' the bishop
Buffing his wand
Buffing the banana
Buffing the rifle
Buffing the wood
Buffing his nuts
Buggering his hand
Bunning his hot dog
Burning off a few calories
Burping the baby
Burping the worm
Busting a nut
Buttering his corn
Calling all cum
Calling down for more Mayo
Calling in the National Guard to assist in a strategic crisis
Caning the vandal
Caping the crusader
Capturing the bishop
Carrying weight
Casting off
Changing his oil
Charming the cobra
Charming the one-eyed trouser snake
Charming the snake
Having a cheap date
Cheating on his other hand
Checking for testicular cancer
Checking the plumbing
Cheesing off
Chilling the dill
Choking Charlie 'till he throws up
Choking Kojak
Choking the bald guy until he pukes
Choking the chicken
Choking the hog
Choking the pirate
Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
Choking himself into emission
Chopping down
Chucking one in the sink
Chucking the yogurt
Churning his butter
Clamping the pipe
Cleaning out his rope
Cleaning the pipes
Cleaning the walls after an accident involving the Milk Man and the Cyclops
Cleaning his rifle
Clearing the snorkel
Climbin' the tree
Climbing Mount Baldy
Climbing the corporate ladder
Clobbering the bad guy
Clobbering the Kleenex
Playing closet Frisbee
Clubbing Eddy
Clubbing the baby seal
Clubbing the clam
Clubbing the dummy
Coating Prince William Sound with love oil
Cocking the rifle
Collecting a specimen
Coming into his own
Coming to grips with the situation
Coming to grips with himself
Committing mass spermicide
Cooking the cream of cock
Cooking with Wong
Corralling the tadpoles
Playing couch hockey for one
Cracking one off
Cracking the fat
Crank yanking
Cranking
Cranking for cum
Cranking one off
Cranking the love pump
Cranking the monkey
Cranking the shank
Crimping the wire
Crowning the king
Cuddlin' the Kielbasa
Cuffing the carrot
Cuffing the dummy
Cuffing the puppy
Custer's Last Stand
Dancing round the maypole
Dancing the two-fisted tango
Dancing with Johnnie One-Eye
Dating Miss Michigan (think geography)
Dating Mother Palm and her five daughters
Dating Rosie Palm and her five sisters
Debugging the hard drive
Decongesting the weasel
Doing the Devil's Handshake (Catholic School)
Dick whacking
Diddle whacking
Diddling
Digging for change
Digitally oscillating hiss penis
Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile
Disciplining the primate
Disseminating
Doing the Dew
Doin' a loner with his boner
Doin' the solitary rhumba
Doing a hand job
Doing an impression of Goofy
Doing battle with the Purple-Helmeted Warrior of Love
Doing handiwork
Doing it his way
Doing the five-knuckle shuffle
Doing the hand jive
Doing the hand-cooter
Doing the human version of AUTOEXEC.BAT
Doing the janitor thing
Doing the knuckle shuffle on the ol' piss pump
Doing the plotkin
Doing the pork sword jiggle
Doing the sin of Onan
Doing the White Knuckler
Doing his own thing
Doodling his noodle
Downing at the club (for members only)
Downing the pitcher
Draining the dragon
Draining the lizard
Draining the main vein
Draining the monster
Draining the one-eyed monster
Draining the poisons from the building
Draining the vats
Draining the vein
Dripping white-hot coconuts from the veiny palm tree of lust
Driving the skin bus
Droppin' a wad of hot wax
Dropping a line
Dropping stomach pancakes
Dropping the kids off at the pool
Dry humping the ottoman
Duking the Bishop
Dundering the devil-dolphin
Electing the president
Emptying his sex pistol
Engaging in safe sex
Erupting Ol' Faithful
Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of his denim cell
Evicting the testicular squatters
Falling in love with his right hand
Faxing Jimmy Dean
Faxing the Pope
Feeding the chooks
Feeding the ducks
Fetching milk
Filling Charlie's magic sock
Finding hismelf
Firing the flesh musket
Firing the love rifle
Firing the presidential staff
Firing the Surgeon General
Firming his worm
Fishing for the two-toned trouser trout
Fishing for zipper trout
Fist fucking

And that's only the beginning