A subject very close to my own heart, which inspired the title track of my CD, reproduced below.

Hiding at the Bottom of her Handbag


Now, the wife's a lovely woman, as anyone can see,
As gentle as a lamb in March, the only gel for me,
The perfect mother to me kids, the perfect partner too,
In short, I'm here to tell you, she's a good 'un through and through.

She's never been bad tempered, nor nagged me, well not much,
And you will not hear her demanding luxuries and such,
There's just one tiny blemish on her character sublime,
She loses things, I don't know why, it happens all the time.

Her car keys, or her spectacles are nowhere to be found,
They must be somewhere in the house, We'll find them, I'll be bound,
And after two hours fruitless search, we're tearing out our hair,
When the missing items come to light, you won't believe just where

They've been hiding at the bottom of her handbag,
A place the light of day has never seen,   
Beneath a ton of tissues, junk, and makeup,
With a pile of odds and sods stuffed in between,
She never seems to clear it out, she just keeps adding more,
I'm sure she hasn't got a clue, what half of it is for,
There's two German soldiers in there, Who don't know they've lost the war,
'Cos they've been hiding at the bottom of her handbag.

I've been having this recurring dream, we're on a nice day out,
A visit to the zoo, it seems, we hear a sudden shout,
A keeper wipes the sweat from off his forehead with his sleeve,
And says "For you own safety, I must ask you all to leave.

The lion's loose, his whereabouts we simply do not know,
We've got to search for him, and so you all will have to go,
We can't have members of the public eaten, it's not done,
Besides, if you're ingested, well, it's bound to spoil your fun".

I take him on one side, and gently try to calm him down,
I say "I think that I can help", ignore his worried frown,
Tell him "I can find your lion, without any loss of life,
Come over here with me, I'll introduce you to the wife.

He'll be hiding at the bottom of her handbag,
A place the light of day has never seen,
Beneath a ton of tissues, junk, and makeup,
With a pile of odds and sods stuffed in between,
For the forty years I've known her, she's been filling it with waste,
There's boiled sweets there a lion can suck, if that is to his taste,
Look, there's two German soldiers, departing in great haste,
They've found your lion at the bottom of her handbag.

I'm getting on a bit, you know, and life it sometimes drags,
I'm too old for chasing women, and too breathless for the fags,
The doctor keeps on telling me to cut down on the beer,
But I don't intend to die just yet, I'll simply disappear.

I'll be hiding at the bottom of her handbag,
With a six-pack, twenty king size, and the wife,
When the old boy with the scythe comes looking for me,
I shall do me best to cause him lots of strife,
While he's searching through the rubbish, with a visage fierce and grim,
We'll be hiding at the bottom, where it's cosy, warm, and dim,
And hope he'll find those German soldiers, or the lion will get him
And leave us happy at the bottom of her handbag.



We'll be hiding at the bottom of her handbag,
A place the light of day has never seen,
Beneath that ton of tissues, junk, and make-up,
With a pile of odds and sods stuffed in between,
In the shop the day she bought it, she was like a greedy kid,
Don't know why she bought the biggest one, it cost her fifty quid,
But, when the family comes to visit, I'll be awfully glad she did,
There's room a-plenty at the bottom of her handbag.


Copyright ã Don Thompson 13th October 2002.


With apologies for the terrible things that happen to line breaks.
Stress, what stress? The CD would be on sale, but I can't remember where I put it..........AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH !

Don T.