Bee-Dubya, I was approached by a guy at work yesterday who had a question. That's not all that unusual, since I do work in a library, but this guy "had to talk to a guy" and most of the other people (all of them except one, in fact) are women. Anyway, this guy comes up to me -- he was a nice, respectable looking guy even though I didn't care for his cowboy boots because I felt they were a bit too dressy for his suit and tie -- anyway, he comes to me to ask about a very intimate, man-type problem. I took him into my office, closed the door, offered him coffee and/or the bottle of Bud Lite we found in the bookdrop box the other day, and a comfortable chair (not mine, another comfortable chair). Finally, after his second cup of coffee and a bunch small talk, he opened up.

Bee-Dubya, I really need your advice on this. I searched the medical literature, I checked the Internet, I even called the Medical School at the University of Utah. Nobody would talk about it, not even on the Internet (all the sites were blocked, and my computer isn't filtered!). PubMed simply said, "Disgusting condition. Sufferers should be pitied and euthanized" and that was all. The Med School refered me to a specialist, who hung up on me. Anyway, I'm going to bring it out into the open here in the hopes that you or someone can help. I've got a phone number where I can contact this guy (it's not his home or work phone, of course) during certain hours. So, knowing about the collective wisdom and fragrant liberalism and sympathy Mudcatters have demonstrated before, here's the poor slob's problem: he suffers from premature spatula, and he really needs to know what to do about it. It's ruining his barbecues and his wife laughs at his pancakes. Even his mistress and the cheap flozzies at the truck stop laugh at him when he makes a hamburger. He's barely hanging on.

What, if anything, can he do? What causes this problem? Can it be cured? The cost is no object to him -- he's filthy rich.

Thank you.