Hi Seagoddess
I've worked with a number of folks over the last 12 years who were trying to deal with the issues that you outline. By pure chance, just a couple of days ago I outlined some of my own experiences dealing with performance anxiety a number of years ago. You could check out the thread "A Hero of Mine Has Passed".
Just as I long ago realised that different people learn to play a musical instrument in different ways, I know that no one method works for everyone as far as feeling a comfort level in front of an audience.
It's pretty easy to find tons of anecdotal accounts of "stage fright" but much harder to discover the solutions.
If you think I might have a useful suggestion or two, drop me a personal note here at the mudcat (you must be a member to do that) or e-mail me. (I'm listed in Bbc's resources page, under the "quick-links")

Rick