Howdy, all ya'll Mudcattin' fokes! Summa ya'll knows me awready, but mosta ya prolly don't. My name iz Shiney Knause. Thet's pernounced Shine-nee Kuhnowse. Do not cernfuse me wid Sheney Knause. He iz my bruther. We iz not th' same person.

A cuppla year ago me an' my bruther vizited summa ya'll fokes over t' thet Muther Obv All BS Freds an' my bruther Sheney taken a reel big likin' t' thet gal ya'll call Rusty Krebill. Well, it din't do Sheney much good t' go likin' thet gal so much 'cause they weren't nuffin' gonna come of it nohow. Ya see, me an' Sheney wuz borned whatchacall "conjoineded twins". My nose wuz conjoinded t' my bruther Sheney's butt-crack. It were kinda hard fer eether obv us t' habv whatchacall a normal social life. We din't habv no girlfrien's er nuffin' lack thet. Oh, ever now an' then we'd go inta town an' pay this ol' gal t' teck care uh our manly urges fer us. She were alwayz glad t' see us 'cause she got payed twicet an' she charged us extree on accounta we wuz freaks.

Anyways, a few month ago me an' Sheney finely got us a operation whut sepprated my nose frum his butt-crack. Since then, me an Sheney bin workin' reel hard tryin' t' save up enuff moneys t' move away frum eech uther. Ya see, when you's libved yer whole life wif yer nose stuck t' sumbuddy's butt-crack an' then ya finely gits sepprated, th' las' thang inna wurld you wanna see is any more obv thet sumbitch. I wuz workin' two jobs tryin' t' save up ennuff moneys t' move t' Califurnia.

But then my bruther Sheney went an' joineded up widda buncha hippy fokes whut lives over t' this place they calls a ashram. They gots this guru feller obver there name uh Baba Bahnahna Dakree an' all 'em hippy fokes follers him aroun' wif they noses stuck t' his butt-crack. I reckon my bruther habv done gone sorta nutso an' he reckons walkin' 'roun' wid his nose in ol' Baba's butt-crack is a way obv whatchacall doin' penence fer all th' times I hadda smell hiz farts.

Anyways, now thet my bruther Sheney habv joinded thet ashram an' seems t' be reel happy 'bout it, I don' need t' move t' Califurnia no more. So I wuz wunnerin' whut t' do wid all them moneys I'z saved up when I remembered ol' Rusty Krebill thet Sheney wuz so sweet on. So, I habv decided thet I shud ax Rusty if she mite wanna git married. I knows she's a randy ol' gal, alwayz runnin' 'roun' nekkid an' dancin' on tables an' such, an' since me an' Sheney got sepprated my manly urges habz bin a whole bunch more manlier than whut they useta be. I yam shore I cud keep a wumman lack Rusty satisfied.

So, Rusty, whatta ya say? If'n you say "yes" I'll cleen up th' trailer reel good an' call Bubba's Wrecker Service t' come git all th' ol' cars outta th' yard.

Lubv,

Yore Shiney


PS: I hope it were okay t' perpose t' you in a fred lack this. It were' th' onliest way I cud thank obv t' do it 'cause I don' habv yore fone nummer or emale.

PPS: Ya mite wanna sen' me summa yore ol' shoes er sumfin' so's I kin git th' dawgs useta yore smell bein' 'roun'. If Brownie latches holda yore leg they ain't no gittin' him loose.