Anxious,

Some young people at his age (and yours) have gotten their values pretty deeply ingrained. Others are still trying on attitudes, to see how they fit. Still others (many) are voicing ways they've been treated (or seen loved ones treated) by acting those roles out, and this is a request for help-- for light to be shined into that area. It usually isn't the kind of thing a friend can help with-- it's the kind of thing where a good friend says, "Let's get you some good help about that."

Axious, your end of this friendship sounds like a bit of co-dependency in the making-- you taking care of someone else, possibly at your own expense, who can take care of himself (as well as he chooses to). Who you need to be taking care of at this stage of your life is YOU, and when people do that, it builds a foundation in each one so that people can take care of one another, interdependently, later in life.

This is a good time to explore what is a friend, in your own terms-- what do you require of people if they wish to be counted as a friend of yours? Until you explore that, it will be difficult to explore how you think you ought to treat people you count as friend, vs. how you treat people who are not your friend. You might treat them the same, or you might not. It's up to you. But it's good to look inside and see what's up, with you, about what you are requiring of yourself, toward him, and why. You might find that the model you are patterning this on is not a model you would wish to perpetuate, or you might find a great model and decide to follow it better. But to keep looking at HIS behavior and values for YOUR comfort level-- most counselors will tell you that's a big ole red flag whipping in your face, with the word "co-dependent" on it.

A good counselor I once knew said wisely, "We have interventions for the addicts and abusers, but there is no interevention for co-dependency. And it kills people as surely as does addiction."

This is a time in life when you get to work, first and foremost, on your own identity, and your peers are doing the same. There's only so much you can do to help each other out about that. You CAN share how hard it is to form that sense of self, separate from the adults and values you've been immersed in up till now. But for the content of "who" each of you is-- ya gotta know, people have to sort that out for themselves, and you only get to work on your own.

~Susan