Hi Chet,

I'm not saying I wouldn't dance with a smoker, or read a smoker, or vote for a smoker; I'm saying that I wouldn't marry one.

Unlike Kendall, my main reason for this is not how the man's smoking would affect me personally (health-wise, financially, or aesthetically) but how the man's smoking would affect his compatibility with me.

Yes, that's a character judgement. I don't think character judgements are necessarily bad things: have you ever hired a babysitter?

And in defense of this particular character judgement, I will lay out my three main premises so you can tell me which point(s) you're disagreeing with.

1. Somebody who chooses to smoke has a low level of respect/love for their own body (and by using the word "chooses" I am excluding people who are addicted and want to quit but are having a hard time doing so).

2. The level of respect/love that a person has for their own body is one element of that person's [character/values/standards/priorities/goals/personality/philosophy/whatever you want to call it].

3. When choosing a husband, I can and should take their [character/values/standards/priorities/goals/personality/philosophy/whatever you want to call it] into consideration.

A number of people on this thread have denied my third premise, but I'm not convinced. I suspect that everybody has some mimimal standards that govern who they allow themselves to fall in love with, even if those standards are very different from mine or if they've never consciously spelled them out. Surely, Chet, there is something that your wife could (hypothetically) do that would make you stop wanting to be with her; and if (God forbid) you're ever in the market again, I'm sure there is some behaviour that would make you summarily rule out a prospect.

And getting back to an old post of yours: no, I certainly wouldn't rule out a man because of reckless cycling in the past; heck, I've smoked tobacco in the past. But if he rode recklessly in the present, it would certainly raise a warning sign in my eyes, especially if he had a tendency towards other reckless behaviours. I wouldn't be able to help wondering if he would make our kids wear seat belts or not. The difference between smoking and other less-than-ideal behaviours is one of degree; since smoking is such a flagrant insult to the body, I have a firm policy against it, but for the lesser evils it's a harder call. Since we're on the traffic motif: would you want to partner up with a woman who routinely drove drunk and made no efforts to fix that problem?

Love, Marion

PS. One of my roommates married a man who was dying of cystic fibrosis. I admired her strength, courage, and depth of love to be able to overcome her evolutionary instincts and do that. I don't know if I'd be strong enough to do that. But if his doom was self-inflicted, it would be a different story, both for her and in my eyes.