Dear Friend in Nigeria:

You won't believe this--this is SO COOL! But you have to promise not to tell anybody. I mean ANYBODY, or you'll REALLY screw it up. You promise? OK, just wait till you hear this. I should tell you, first of all, that this isn't any bullshit con job like you get from Ni--uh, Pakistan or someplace. The thing is, you heard of the dotcom boom, right? And you probably heard that it all went bust and all those dotcom billionaires are now like working in McDonald's or something, right? Wrongo, buckaroo! Take me, for instance. My name is Govinda Johnson (hey, it's not my fault my folks were into this weird Hindu shit. Just pretend it's like an African name or something, OK?) Anyway, I'm one of the founders of a company called Mudcat.com, that was bought out by Microsoft in 1997 after a bidding war with IBM. A few investments here and there, and it's Bentley city for old Govinda here. No, I'm not doing too badly at all. But you see, I have this friend, you know, well, he's not really a FRIEND friend, but more like, well, I guess you'd say like an acquaintance or something, you know? But let's just say he's my friend. Anyway, this friend of mine is really rich. He's a whole lot richer than me. I mean, he makes Donald Trump look like Mother Teresa, you know? No, that didn't come out right, but you know what I mean. Hey, you guys know about Donald Trump in Nigeria, right? I mean, you guys have like The Apprentice and Fear Factor and MTV and stuff like that, right? I mean, everybody has that, right?

Anyway, this friend of mine, this acquaintance of mine, I mean, he's so rich that he doesn't know how much money he has. You see where I'm going with this, right? So here's the thing. The dude lost one of his bank accounts. No kidding. He just lost it. And it has, I don't know, maybe twenty or thirty million dollars in it. He told me himself, he said, "Guy," -- he calls me "Guy" because he can't bring himself to say "Govinda," even though it's my name, because he says it's like a holy name and you shouldn't say it out loud, can you believe it? He would have gotten along great with my parents -- so this acquaintance of mine says, "Guy, you'll never believe it. I lost one of my bank accounts. I feel like such a dip." That's the way this guy talks, you know? He says things like, "I feel like such a dip," like, all the time. So I'm like, "No shit, man, you really lost it?" And he's like, "Yeah, I did." And I'm like, "Wow, that sucks." And he's like, "Yeah, it's a bummer." He says stuff like "It's a bummer" all the time, like straight out of the sixties or something weird like that. I mean, I was only a teenager when I sold the company to Microsoft, and I wasn't even BORN in the sixties, you know? So anyway I'm like, "So how much was in the account?" And he's like, "I don't know, maybe twenty or thirty million. What a bummer." Yeah. What a bummer. What a jerk. And what an opportunity.

You see, what I didn't tell my friend is that I KNOW where the account is. I'm not bullshitting you here, this is the real deal. How do I know? You know those little cards they give you at the bank with your account number one them? Well I watched one of those cards fall out of his stupid pocket when he bent down to tie his shoes last week. So I picked it up because I was going to give it to him, right, 'cause that's the kind of guy I am, right? And then I looked at it and I'm like, "Whoa, dude, hold on." Because it said, like, First Whatever Bank and it had my friend's name and where it said balance there was a whole bunch of zeroes and commas after a coumple of numbers, and it said Pay On Demand. And, you know, like I may not be Einstein but I know a lot of money when I see it.

So why don't I just walk into the First Whatever Bank and grab the cash, huh? Good question, dude. Well, I don't know how banks work over there in Nigeria but over here in the U. S. of A. they don't just salute and hand you a suitcase full of cash. No, you have to have all kinds of references and stuff like that, and then you have to have ANOTHER bank account for them to wire the money to. That's so weird, isn't it? Wire the money. Like you think there's these wires somewhere with all this money flying back and forth on them? Yeah, right.

OK, so you're thinking, what's this all got to do with me here in little old Nairobi? No, that's in Kenya, isnt' it? Well, wherevere you are in little old Nigeria, anyway. Well, this is the part that is SO COOL, you just won't believe it, and you'll want to kiss me when you find out about it, but don't, cause I'm not into that guy hugging and kissing shit, unless you're Italian, in which case I guess you can get away with it, right? So the thing is, I know one of the Vice-Presidents of this First Whatever Bank. I know him REALLY well, and I know some of his friends REALLY well. In fact, some of his good friends are even better friends of mine. You get my drift? Well, let's just say that he might not be all that concerned about checking every little bit of ID and paperwork and regulatory stuff on a bank account that happened to be outside the US, if the info happened to come from his pal Govinda, who, in case you forgot, is me. And my acquaintance sure isn't going to notice if, say, about 20 million of his not-very-hard-earned smackeroos disappears from an account that he figures is lost anyway, because he has so many other accounts he can't even keep track of them, let alone which condo he's supposed to be sleeping in which day and with which hot movie star. Which, by the way, might bring up some other possibilities for the future, if you know what I mean.

So, anyway, my friend, let me get to the REALLY COOL part. If you say it's OK, I'll give my banker your account information, which you don't have to worry about because like I said he's not even going to bother check it, because he knows if he does there are some websites that would love to have some pictures I could give them. And all you have to do then is...nothing. That's right, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. And then in 20 business days you will have deposited in your account FREE AND CLEAR the amount of $Two Million US Dollars. No questions, no problems, don't worry, be happy.

So if you just send me your name and account information, including Interbank number and all necessary passwords, to this SECURE website which uses SST-9/blue encryption (that, my friend, is something even Microsoft hasn't figured out how to hack), my attorney will start the process and you'll be on your way to the two million. The web address is https://mxyzptlk.tacdum.11254.us

I can't wait to hear from you, my friend. Be cool, and have a nice day.

Sincerely,

Govinda Johnson


Aloha,
Mark

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So, like I edited this for you, dude. --JoeClone