The singer/songwriter Don Francisco turned Georgiansilver's joke into a song, called "Pants" (i.e. trousers)on the CD "Only Love is Spoken Here". The song and the joke are relevant here, I think, because my feeling is that the problem underlying chronic procrastinators in a marriage or partnership is one of *control*.

If you don't do things on time, or arrive on time, you immediately put yourself in a position of control over the other person. If a controlling procrastinator is clever enough at it, you can find yourself for *years* giving him or her the benefit of the doubt - there may always be some apparent logical reason why you have been left hanging on so long (for the wallpaper, the paving, the carpet..... the baby...anything). It is so easy for this pattern to become habitual and expected. The procrastinator's partner finds him- or herself colluding and allowing this to happen over and over again, with the pattern being increasingly reinforced.

My ex-husband was a procrastinator par excellence. For instance, I was without a washbasin in the bathroom for over 2 years, with a small toddler to look after; wallpaper peeling off the walls in the toilet for 5 years; no staircarpet (and nails sticking out of bare wood) - lost track, certainly more than 6 years - I had left by then ! Kitchen unfinished 21 years (I wasn't there for the final 6 of those, though). He would arrive home deliberately late on the night I taught an evening class (couldn't leave til he arrived to look after daughter), the trains being miraculously late only then. Too many examples to mention, and I really don't want to try to remember them, either.....but the issue was never really the washbasin, the wallpaper, the whatever: it was about his need to be in control and his fear of losing that. The non-decorating was but one symptom of many.

He stayed in the house after we divorced, and as he no longer needed this attempt at control - he started decorating !

The thing to do is to talk, to get everything out into the open. A procrastinator certainly isn't going to take the initiative on this. "Not doing things" is the very cowardly way of getting out of not saying what is on your mind. The other partner has to be brave enough for the two of you, and to be prepared for whatever is said. The sooner, the better, too, because the longer any kind of controller/controlled pattern is allowed to carry on unchecked, the more difficult it is to resolve. The sad thing is, a controller's partner can get to a point where they no longer have the energy or even the desire to make any changes to what has become the status quo. If anybody feels that time is fast approaching, summon up all energy and courage and take action now, or you, as a person, will disappear. Everyone deserves more and better than that.

Hope everything turns out well and the way it is meant to be.
- jeanie

Here's the song:

"PANTS" - Words and music by Don Francisco (from the album "Only Love is Spoken Here" 2001)

On the day before my wedding just a few short years ago
My dad sat down and told me, "Son, there's some things you ought to know.
I'm gonna tell you a little story about my wedding night
If you handle things the way I did, everything will turn out right.

"Your Mom and I went to our suite, and when the luggage boy had gone
I handed her my pants, and I said, "Honey, try these on !"
She tried, but said, "I can't wear these." I said, "You've got that right !
I wear the pants, and don't forget what you've just learned tonight."

So I took my dad's advice, and did just like he said to do,
But then my wife gave me her pants, and said, "Now you try, too !"
I said, "I can't get into these !" She said,"You've got that right !
You never will get in my pants 'til you learn to treat me right !"

Now my mind's not lightnin' fast, but all at once I had a hunch
That in this partic'lar area Dad might be out to lunch,
So I told my wife, "I've been set up ! I was blind, but now I see !
And if nobody wears the pants that'll be just fine with me !"

Well, Dad's got an apartment now - I guess Mom had enough
After all those years of knucklin' down, she fin'lly called his bluff.
As f'r us - we're really happy, tho', 'cause we don't play those games

I love my wife and she loves me, and we both love the same.
I love my wife and she loves me, and we both love the same.

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