From Henry's Songbook:

FIFTY PENCE
Trad (as sung by Iain MacKintosh)

I met a girl the other night. She smiled and gave me hope.
She stayed when all the rest had gone. The music had all stopped,
So I took her to a restaurant, the finest in the street.
She said she wasnae hungry, but this is what she ate:
Three plates of soup, two melons, a pound and a half of roast,
Some Irish stew, potatoes too, and then some beans on toast.
Next, she tried some oysters fried. Her appetite was immense.
She asked for pie. I thought I'd die, for I just had fifty pence.

And when the food was finished, she smiled so very sweet.
Said she wasn't hungry, and she wished that she could eat.
And when she called the waiter back, my heart began to sink.
She said she wasn't thirsty, but she showed me how to drink:
Three whiskies, two vodkas, twenty pints of beer,
Fourteen brandies, thirteen gins, quickly disappeared.
Four pints of Guinness followed. She astonished all the gents.
She called for more. I fell on the floor, for I just had fifty pence.

And then this delicate little lass cleaned out the ice-cream can
And said, "Now Iain, I'll tell my mum you're such a nice young man."
She said she'd bring her sister too next time she came, for fun.
I gave the waiter my fifty pence, and this is what he done:
He stood on my toes, broke my nose, knocked me out of breath.
My two black eyes were worth a prize. He kicked me half to death.
He pulled me out the restaurant. He threw me o'er the rail.
And that was when the polis came and took me to the gaol.

So if I don't smile back tonight, girls, use your common sense.
You know I'm only thinking of my experience.
But I'm feeling rather hungry, so I wouldn't take offence
If you took me to a restaurant. I've just got fifty pence.

"Hamish [Imlach] found this one in a book and gave it to me, and I Scottified it." --Iain MacKintosh, 1992