The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #79224   Message #1484561
Posted By: MudGuard
13-May-05 - 08:10 PM
Thread Name: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread for 2005
The truth about Ireland (found on the web ...):


Ireland is a country in West Europe. It is on an island that is divided into two parts. The south is Ireland, the north is Northern Ireland. It is a bit like Korea, but without so many Koreans and without atomic weapons. In the East of the island is the capitol Dublin (also called Baile Atha Cliusai), in the South is Cork, in the West are the Cliffs of Mohair and in the North are British soldiers.

Some people think that Ireland used to be Atlantis, but they are wrong: Atlantis was a very advanced and civilised country with a high culture admired by the Greeks, but Ireland was populated by the Celts instead. Even so the Celts were not the first people living in Ireland - before them there lived the Leprechauns, the Fenians and Dana. The Celts sent them all underground and then decided to become Christians. This had to do with Saint Patrick, who brought the shamrock to Ireland but banned snakes and smoking. Other famous Irish saints who helped to save civilisation were St. Columba who civilised Scotland and St. Oliver Plunkett who gave head for his faith. St. Kilian was so good at making Christians out of the Franks that they even made him and some friends martyrs.

Apart from saints the Irish also had heroes. They are hard to keep track of as they were changing their names quite often. Satan called himself Cuchullain when he died, tied to a raven in the General Post Office. This name means "dog" and a lot of heroes also took names from nature, like Bono Fox and The Hedge. Other Irish heroes were Finn Mac Cool, Manannan Mac Lir and Ceol Agus Craic.

All this came to a terrible end when Oliver Cromwell went to Ireland. He was an English Hitler, but with warts instead of a moustache. After killing the King of England he wanted to have Ireland as well and came with many soldiers. He threw the Irish out and told them to go "To Hell or to Connecticut". This is why there are so many Irishmen in America! Those who could not afford to go to America went elsewhere or ate only potatoes in protest. Then the potatoes were all poisoned by the Englishmen so that the Irishmen still in Ireland starved to death or went to America.

It is no wonder that the Irish rebelled mightily at this. The first big rebel tried to export the French Revolution to Ireland but was not very successful - his name was Wolfe Tones and he became a folk singer instead, recording the best song in the world as the BBC found out. Wolfe Tones was a Unified Irishman and his successor was Robert Emmet who had a green uniform (Wolfe Tones's was blue because it was from a French designer, but himself was Irish) and managed to free parts of Dublin from the English. But the English did not like this and hanged him. So he was also not very successful. After Emmet some Irishmen joined Napoleon in conquering Europe but he went to Russia instead of throwing the English out of Ireland - so they were not successful either. Then most Irishmen fought against the Confederation in America freeing the slaves and then tried to free the Canadians from the English. They were not successful. In the First World War a lot of Irishmen fought for the English against the Germans. Those who did not want this got guns from the Germans and fought against the English. As this took part in Dublin it was called the "Eastern Rebellion". The rebels liberated a post office and a biscuit factory, so they had enough stamps and enough to eat. But the English had bigger, better and more guns and the Irish had to give up. As they were then all shot to death, they also were not very successful. Except for de Valera because he was American and Countess Mascara who was a woman. Then the First World War ended and England had enough of the Irish who were always revolting. So Michael Collins, the "Thick Fellow", sold Ulster to the King of England and became a Free State for this. He was the first really successful Irish rebel. So the Irish shot him.

After all those rebellions Ireland decided to be neutral in future. This means that in a war you do not pick a side until you know who is winning. In the Second World War the Irish were very careful and even told the German embassy that they were sorry the hear of Hitler's death, just in case the Germans made a sudden comeback. In the Gulf War against Terror the Irish were so neutral they even allowed the Americans to refill their planes on the way to Iraq. They would have allowed the same to the Iroquois but they did not fly to the USA.

The Irish have a lot of trouble with the English because of Northern Ireland. In Ireland most people are Catholics. "Catholic" means something like "all over" or "everywhere", the Catholics want the Irish to have power everywhere in Ireland. They show this by wearing green. They are also called "Publicans". On the other side are the "Royalists" who want Ulster to keep the English Queen. As they are constantly protesting against the Publicans they are also known as "Protestants". They wear orange most of the time, except when playing Holland in the football. There are also some Pressed Aryans, they wear paisley patterns and do not dance.

Among these groups there is a lot of fighting, so they have their own armies. The Catholics have the Irish Publican Army, while the Protestants have the Glasgow Rangers. There are also an Irish and an English army. So it is very complicated to find out who is fighting who. Especially as the soldiers themselves sometimes do not know who they just shot dead. In this case politicians have to take over and explain the term "collateral damage". This is a bit like "friendly fire", you are dead, but it is OK, as nobody really meant to kill you.

In Ireland sport is very popular. But it is also confusing. When Irish people play proper football, they call it soccer. The most popular teams are Manchester United, Fai Muppets and Celtic Glasgow. The last are also known as the "Celtic Tigers" because they wear green-striped shirts. Publicans love them because they beat the Glasgow Rangers.

But if the Irish are talking about Football, they mean their own version which allows the ball to be carried in the hands, gives points for missing the goal and yellow cards only when you kill another player (or speak English on the playing field). Hurling is very similar, but players are allowed to use Irish baseball bats as weapons. If players are wearing skirts, hurling is called camogie. There is also handball, but this is similar to squash. The Irish are not very successful at international sports except when they are sitting on a horse or there is a chance to beat the English up without penalty, as in rugby.

It is similar with driving, Jordan is an Irish team in Formula One. Most problems with driving come from the fact that the Irish actually drive on the wrong side of the road. This is not as complicated as it sounds because their cars are built the wrong way round as well. So in traffic everything that is left in Germany is right in Ireland and everything that is right is wrong. This also makes it a bit more complicated when Irish people are giving directions. So a lot of tourists get lost when they drive in Ireland, especially on the famous Ring of Kerrygold.

Tourists are a big income in Ireland and are made welcome a hundred thousand times. The Irish like strangers very much and invite them into their houses. This is because they like to get news and stories from foreign countries and like to be guestgivers. Then they sit around the turf fire, sing songs and drink Guiness or Whiskey, which is like Scotch, only Irish. Guiness is the national drink and black, it was invented by Martin McGuinness and tastes a bit like beer.

Irish music is very nice and many Germans listen it. Older people hear the "Dubliners" (which are also a book) and "U2" (which are also a plane). Younger people like more Westlife and Samantha Mumba (who also was in the Time Machine, but she is not a typical Irish girl). Also famous are "Riverdance" which won the Eurovision contest and Michael Flatfoot who left "Riverdance" and became the Lord of the Dance. He has a big house, but his girlfriend left him. Other people with big houses in Ireland are Enya (who made the music for the 11.9.), Jeremy Irons (who was the "Lion King") and the American ambassador (who has the house where the English were in before, this is in the Fenian Park in Dublin).

If you want to make holidays in Ireland, you can lend a gipsy caravan with a horse and lots of colours. This is the traditional Irish way of holiday and you will meet many travellers in caravans as well. They are all camping on green fields together, have campfires, games and are welcome everywhere. You can get to Ireland cheap if you fly with Ryanair. But they only have a small service because they are a "no thrills" airline. If you want more thrills, Cunni Lingus is the way to go.