In our mountain, edge-of-Appalachia culture, how we handle these is that the FD (funeral director) calls on the bereaved and, in the course of making arrangments, obits are discussed. The various ways the local papers handle these is pretty widely known, because ours is a community of elders and there are many passings as a normal part of life. In a largely non-verbally-articulated way, the FD gets a sense of what is wanted and s/he interviews the necessary details out of the bereaved; the FD then organizes it all for submission to the papers chosen. People are close here, and know each others' lives fairly well, so the FD usually knows what questions to ask to start the recalling of details. Hearing them out is part of the loving care of people that is a high community value here, even when some of the details will actually appear in print; it's not rushed or money-driven, this listening.

My husband presides at a lot of the funerals, and one really sweet one recently included a request from the sons of the departed (and their male cousins) to raise a beer to Dad in the context of the funeral service-- seems it was Dad's lifelong custom when the boys would gather for a visit, past a certain age, to crack open beers all around for a toast to being together again. Whether Dad was the visitor or the boys were, there was always this all-men-present ritual. Well, Hardi was willing, but due to the family's ecumenical makeup, with several folks quite conservative, it was determined that doing this "One Last Toast" right IN the funeral might upset some people; loving their extended family other as they do, the boys decided not to go ahead. So it happened back at the house, afterwards, and was very moving.

~Susan