Haven't found a trace of this old song that my mother recently remembered from the singing of Richard Dyer-Bennet:

THE CONTEST

(From the singing of Richard Dyer-Bennet,
As remembered by Dahlov Ipcar in 2005)

My wife, the maid and me,
My wife, the maid and me
Went out one night to take a shite
But the maid shite more than we.

My wife was grieved at this,
My wife was grieved at this;
Said she to me, "If you'll agree,
We'll challenge the bugger to piss."

Three piss pots came at call,
Three piss pots came at call;
She opened her sluice and let loose the juice,
And filled them one and all.

My wife took this to heart,
My wife took this to heart;
Said she to me, "If you'll agree,
We'll challenge the bugger to fart."

My wife and I went "Toot!"
My wife and I went "Toot!"
But the maid had a bum like a musical drum,
Went "ROOT A TA TOOT TA TOOT!"

Cheerily,
Charlie Ipcar