Okay, I'm just here to vent. For the 4th of July, I attended a small-town celebration with family, and I was forced to listen to 2.75 solid hours of big-band music. Amplified.

A lot of people are getting music confused with products, such as Kleenex (facial tissues), aspirin, etc. When I reach for a Kleenex, I don't want to pull out a piece of wrapping paper or an envelope. When I reach for an aspirin, I don't want to find a penicillin tablet in the bottle.

However, when a band bills itself as a Big Band, that does not mean that it must confine itself to Big-Band music until the audience wants to scream. (We had to stay for the fireworks.) Lord, couldn't they play just one Dixieland, tango, Sousa march or Gay Nineties number and let our poor brains have a break?!

There still are people who hire big bands for celebrations, and if they are paying, and they want no variety, then so be it. But for an audience of the general public, variety isn't just good, it's humane.

When I am empress, I am going to pass a law that bands have to make every fifth number different from their usual product. I couldn't sleep the other night, and I thought of these suggested special numbers for the following groups.

1. The Rolling Stones - Merry Widow Waltz
2. A New Age ensemble - She'll be coming round the mountain
3. Classical-music string quartet - ragtime
   (but not "The Entertainer")
4. Symphony orchestra - St Louis Blues

what do you think?