Oy, Mary can I relate.
My dad remarried and my stepmother and I were like mixing water and oil. Mind you, even if my dad had married Mother Terisa, I would have hated her guts.
But the whole scene made it very difficult for me to express the close relationship I truly had with my dad. All I can say is the pain was overwhelming during the first couple of years after his death.
What ever way you find easiest to deal with the loss of your dad, is good enough. You are doing the best you can. Find the gentlest way for your heart to handle the pain. I have been joking and brushing off big issues for years. But as time goes by, I am able to feel and release more and more of the pain and sadness I have been holding inside for many years.
Mary, I wishing you much kindness to yourself this Christmas.
All the best, Bonnie