I wouldn't worry about the Masons or the Vatican or any of the other groups mentioned earlier actually taking over the world. But I did get wind of a definite conspiracy in the works. The organization that the United States government does have to worry about is [spooky music played on the theramin] Possum Lodge!

There is a devious plot, worked out presumably by Walter and Bill, with organizational input by Harold, for Canada to be annexed by the United States as the fifty-first state. You've heard of the Trojan Horse? This is the Canadian Possum! Once the annexation takes place, through various political machinations and liberal ("liberal?" Bite your tongue!!) use of humorous and entertaining (for a change) speeches, the senators and congressional representatives of the new state of Canada manage to pass laws allowing those born in Canada to run for president of the United States, since, after all, they will have been born in the fifty-first of the United States and are, hence, natural born citizens (even if by caesarean), thus eligible. Once this is accomplished, they plan on running the head of Possum Lodge, Red Green, for president.

If one is familiar with this individual, it is easy to see how, after what Americans (not to mention the rest of the world) have been through for the past several decades, even though like the present president, this man is a walking disaster, the voters will find his style of leadership a refreshing change.

It has been rumored that future candidate Green has already picked many members of his cabinet. His running mate, of course, will be his nephew, Harold. Harold will fulfill the function of balance in the administration. Red Green will come up with a policy, and Harold will point out its flaws ("Are you crazy!!???"). They will insult each other in highly amusing ways, and even though Red Green's plan will be put into effect and it will be the disaster that Harold predicts, beyond the smell, there will be no lasting effects. To clean up the whole political scene in Washington, D. C., one cannot think of a more appropriate person than Winston Rothschild III, CEO of Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Service. Secretary of Commerce will by Dalton Humphrey, proprietor of Humphrey's Everything Store, Attorney General will be Mike Hamer (resident felon: 46 felony convictions, out on parole, the advantage of having him around is that if something is missing, you know who's got it), and Secretary of Defense will be Edgar Montrose (never met a problem that couldn't be solved if you use enough dynamite, thus out-terrorizing terrorists. Also, Green's liberal [OW! That word again!] use of the handyman's secret weapon—duct tape—should keep the world a somewhat more orderly place). Secretary of the Interior will be Ranger Gord (after eighteen years alone in the firewatch tower, one does get a bit strange) and assistant Secretary of the Interior will be Ed Frid (animal control officer who is terrified of anything larger than a parameceum), and the Secretary of State will be Hap Shaughnessy (taught Elvis how to sing, taught Fred Astaire how to dance, has met Santa Claus personally, flew at an altitude of 70 miles wearing nothing but a cape, and single-handedly prevented World War III). The rest of the Green administration is in the planning stage.

The motto E Pluribus Unum will be replaced with Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati ("When All Else Fails, Play Dead!"), and "In God We Trust" will be replaced with "I'm Pullin' for Ya. We're All in This Together!"

The future is glorious (or a lot less threatening than it is right now).

Keep your stick on the ice.

More information about the Possum Party.

Red Green explains some of the pitfalls of bungy jumping.

Don Firth

P. S.   As you may have guessed, it's a slow day here at the Skunk Works.