Do you find yourself drawn again and again to viewing old reruns of the orginial "Star Trek" show or the many movies and sequels that it spawned? Do you find yourself thinking about it often, and repeating phrases like, "Beam me up, Scottie." If so, you may be experiencing the first serious signs of Shatneroholicism!

Do you find yourself surfing the Net, searching out any and all information you can find about William Shatner...(and, God knows, there's a lot of it)...? Do you...seem to have...a tendency.....to....leave large....gaps....in your statements....when....speaking publicly? (purpose of said gaps being to further emphasize the absolutely vital and riveting nature of your comments).

If so, you are sliding down the slippery slope to Shatneroholicistic damnation!

Do you....have a life-sized, gilded statue of William Shatner a/k/a James Tiberius Kirk, clad only in a very small thong, posed fetchingly on your front lawn, in your entrance alcove, or in a special place of honor in your living room, your rec room, or...dare I ask... your BEDROOM?????

If so, you have fallen head over heels into the very depths of acute Shatneroholisim! You ARE a confirmed Shatneroholic!

But don't despair! An organization of like-minded people has formed in a mutual effort to overcome this dread malady and restore relative sanity and stability to those who were once deemed beyond help, beyond hope, beyond redemption, beyond the pale!

Our 12 step method will restore your normality, restore your faith in a Supreme Being who will deliver you from the hell of Shatneroholicism and into the light of true understanding. You will, by repeated viewings of Pink Panther movies, Peter Seller's "The Party", and early Jerry Lewis films, return slowly to a state of sobriety and calm.

You can be saved. Believe it. Believe it now. You are already on the road to recovery. One little step at a time.

Don't hesitate. Contact your local chapter of Shatneroholics Anonymous. Do it NOW.