The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #83915 Message #1569482
Posted By: Jeri
23-Sep-05 - 04:52 PM
Thread Name: The Wiser Maid (please critique!)
Subject: RE: THE WISER MAID (please critique!)
'Replete' doesn't bother me and 'deeds'/'receive' doesn't either. I wouldn't really notice them if you sang the song.
What makes me stop and think 'huh?' just a bit is And spend my days upon the shore,
his returning and pray his ship to sight.
Amos's ideas good too, but I'd sing 'denied' instead of 'put off'. It's too close to 'pulled off' to escape the possibility of drunken rudeness.
'And all his vows the same' sounds a bit odd, as in what do HIS vows have to do with it? Maybe 'and though his vows the same'. Still not ideal. Perhaps rhyme something with 'remain'.
These are rather nit-picky things. Whatever you do, you are going to get such huge applause and shouts of 'you GO girlfriend!!!'
The song was waiting to be written. I came up this one verse quite a while ago:
If he goes to sea, survives that danger
Comes home and pretends to be some stranger
Then says "It's ME" who over death did win
I'll tell him he should go and try again