I hate to admit it but I'm laughing so hard at this thread I almost sh....well, you get the idea. This seems to fit the thread...

A great captain sailing the open seas heard the announcement, "Captain, there are two pirate ships off the port bow...". The captain immediately said, "Get me my red shirt!". "Why do you want your red shirt, captain?" The captain replied, "so that if I am injured in battle, no one will see the blood and my men will continue to fight valiently". The lookout said, "Wait, there's not 2 ships but there are 20 ships!" The captain said, "Someone get me my brown pants!".

Frank

P.S. ...never trust a fart? that is hysterical!!!!!