my own reworking of seven drunken nights

came home from the "Ball" on Sunday night as drunk as drunk can be
and there was a "Jag" outside the door why my old car should be
so I called my wife and said to her, could you kindly tell to me
who's is that "Jag" outside the door where my old car should be
Ah your drunk your drunk you silly old fool and still you cannot see
that is a nissan micra that my mother sent to me
well i've driven motor cars, 50 models and more
but a nissan micra with alloy wheels I've never seen before

(no folk nights in york on mondays)
came home from the "Maltings" on tuesday night as drunk as drunk can be
and there was a wallet in the house that didn't belong to me
so I called my wife and said to her, could you kindly tell to me
who's is that wallet in the house that shouldn't ought to be
Ah your drunk your drunk you silly old fool and still you cannot see
That is my mothers purse that she has leant to me
Well i've watched your mother buy dresses, shoes and bags galore
but her gold and platingum credit cards i've never seen before

ok you get the drift, the rest gets raunchy so if you want the rest pm me and i will let you have the other three verses!