If I'm recalling correctly, the psychiatrist who wrote "The Art of Happiness" with the Dalai Lama says that any close relationship goes through repeating cycles of "Hold me close; put me down; leave me alone".

This parallels the first love relationship in everyone's life - the love of the infant for the parent.

I can really relate to this, not with one particular relationship but with "romantic" relationships in general. I've done the "hold me close" thing a few times already. (Got the kids to prove it! ;-) But "hold me close" was always followed in disappointingly short order with a traumatic "put me DOWN!" period, no matter how hard I tried or how much I wished otherwise. And over the last several years I've structured my life around the "leave me alone" phase.

Might not last forever, but if it does, that's fine too. Honestly, I'm happier and more self-determined than I've ever been in my life right now! And in so doing, I've discovered the most satisfying, wonderful, growth-promoting love relationship of all too - and this has nothing to do with another human being!

THe Dalai Lama says that in the WEst, people think the "put me down" and "leave me alone" phases of relationship are the end of the world, often terminating the relationship at that point. If they understood these periods as the natural "developmental phases" that they are instead, it would not be so devastating or frightening.

"Put me down" and "leave me alone" phases give each person in the relationship more breathing space - a chance for self-development and discovery, including discovering the all the "non-romantic" value and benefits of relationship. If these phases are patiently "endured" instead of turned into grounds for divorce, they offer the chance to cycle back into another "hold me close" phase much wiser, more mature, appreciative and self-aware.

Only wish I'd understood this YEARS ago!

daylia