I tend to think that one of the components of having one partner be happy and oblivious while the other is wretched has to with the wretched one being silent and nonforthcoming about what's goine on inside. I think that often it has to do with perceiving unfairness - whether deserved or not - in either the division of chores or perhaps the neglect of that one's family for the furtherance of the other.

I suspect that we have all seen a woman who had not yet learned to be fair and open and honest with her unhappiness. Until she does, her mate may feel that everything is fine and that her moodiness is simply her hormones acting up. And he gets lots of support in that view from his buddies!

When she does learn to express her unhappiness, it may be the beginning of the end. I know from experience that when everything is put on the table, so to speak, things can easily get out of hand and stuff gets said that may not have been the original intent.

But sometimes it works. I was visiting my brother's family. He and his wife came home from work together and he went out to water and feed his horses then he came in and turned on the television.

In the meantime she got dinner during which time she got a couple of loads in the washer and dryer and also got their two little kids bathed and in their nightclothes.

Then they all had dinner after which my brother turned on the tv again while holding the kids on his lap.

My sister in law in the meantime did the dishes then she tucked the kids in their beds, read them a story and turned on the record player so they could drift off to sleep.

In the meantime my brother turned off the television and went to bed to read.

Then my sister in law ran the vacuum cleaner over the living room carpet - they burned wood for heat - and then made tomorrow's lunches.

At 10:00 she sat down with me for a cup of coffee. And then my brother called from the bedroom: Hey! When are you coming to bed?

I couln't believe it. This was my brother- the selfish pig! And believe it or not, they had a good marriage.

Shortly after my speech, they came up with a better division of labor. From then on he bathed and dressed the kids and he was the one who ran the vac. Not perfect but it made them both feel good.