My parents who are both 89 are now in a home. One is under nursing $care, the other residential. The home is about 20 miles from wher I live.
Before this they lived in B'ham uk which was 120 miles away. They lived in a warden controlled flat.
Scenario
Mother unable to walk and confined to wheelchair and adjusting chair which had become her bed.
Father who was pretty healthy, but could no longer deal with my mother, but wouldn't admit it.
He had allowed my mother to become cocooned in the lounge of the flat and she no longer saw anybody. We (the children)
I got a call to say that my father had collapsed and had been taken to hospital. My motehr was on her own and unable to look after herself.
I had to rush down to B'ham.
Long and short of it was that I had to reluctantly make the decision that my mother needed to go into nursing care.
Thats when the trouble started.
My father coudn't handle it on his own, and I was inundated everyday with calls from him. It became unbearable.
I decided that it was a human rights issue and that my fathere should be in the same home together with my mother. They had been married for 65 years and had always lived together.
Social Services reviewed my father and insisted he was suitable yet for residential care. The battle had started. Every route I tried to go with social services were just ignored. In the meantime my fathers health was being severly affected by being apart. The whole situation was becoming unberable for everybody.
In the end after an exhaustive search on the Internet, I found a brilliant solicitor who dealt with human rights for people in my parents situation.
Within a week of the solicitors issuing a letter to social services concerning the human rights of my parents, I was stunned to get a call from a manager of Social Services who was literally sucking up to me.
Within 6 weeks and without having to go to court, I was able to niminate a dual carehome in my area where my parents could be moved to. I found one and they were immediately moved to it in a double room. My mothet is handled by the nusing staff and my father is handled by the residential staff.
Its still a big problem as they don't like being in a home, but they are fed and cared for in a way that would not have been possible if they had stayed in the residential flat.

Do I regret having to get them in a home - yes.
Do my parents thank me for it - no
Do I think it was the only option open to me - yes
Can I rest assured that I have done everything possible for my parents under the circumstances - yes

I am also Enduring Power of Attorney. They would not have been able to handle all their affairs anymore.

Did I want it - NO
Do I have a duty to my parents to look after their affairs - yes

All in all, it is never nice to have to make decisions that affect your parents especially when it means moving them out of their home (castle), but sometimes you have to look at the real world, and try not to let sentiment come into it. It is probably one of the most heart rendering decisions I have ever had to make in my life. I honestly beleive that I couldn't have done anymore for them.

The effect on my own family was enormous, but how can you sit back and let people who don't give a toss get away with what they do.

Nutty - you have to stand strong and convince your mother that a home is the best thing possible for her in her circustances.
You need to look at various homes and go and see them unnannouced and really get a feel for the ones that are good. If you find one that has a place for your mother, get her moved there to see how she gets on. I don't see how you can leave her in her own place.

Remeber whatever you do, you will always have heartaches about it and recrimenations, but you can only do what appears to be best for her health at the time.

pm me if you feel I can help
I sure do know what you are going through.
Les