After having worked as a Therapist for 26 years, now retired, I know exactly what and where you are coming from.There comes a time in many peoples lives when they either take stock of their life or evaluate it. Sounds very much to me as if there is something underlying that has triggered this of for you, it's very intense and there are a lot of mixed emotions and fears present.Can you relate it to a recent event ? The death of someone known to you ? Has someone you know went through a traumatic incident recently ? We all get a wake up call when someone we know either dies young or suffers a heart attack, we consider giving up smoking or drinking and promise to get more excerise.If you can think about when this first started for you and recall events in your life at that time, it could be a starting point.I am glad to see you note positive points in your life, build on these. I don't see this as long term,not saying that out of comfort, but it will pass. Start and plan a structure to your life and employ a daily routine, which incorporates taking stock of what you really have going for you.Understanding helps, Sympathy reinforces. You know we are all here for you.