Here is something I wrote a couple years ago...

Why Smarter Women Have Smaller Breasts

Think about it fellas, you know it's true. Walk into a library or research lab or any typically intelligent area, and check out the female workers (like you don't already). Make an observation. Now go to a spot that is less MENSA intensive, like a retail purse store or fast food restaurant. Make a similar observation. I have completed extensive research on this (spending almost an entire lunch hour) and have discovered that, in fact, IQ levels seem to be inversely proportional to bra size. Not in every case, mind you, but still a high enough majority to make a difference.

Personally, I have always thought that this developed through the stereotyping of females during their school years. The big boobers flirt with their teachers, the male (and some female) ones get a little excited, and then things go a little easier for them in the classroom. Suddenly that D becomes a B (the grade, not the cup size), and despite a lack of intelligence, the gal glides through school. Meanwhile, our smaller-chested friends must fight and scratch their way through, especially since the genetically-lower intelligence level of a typical female versus a typical male puts them at an immediate disadvantage. Therefore, they must study harder to achieve the grade levels required (fortunately for them, they usually have their Friday and Saturday nights available for further studies).

Okay, I gotta be fair. We all know smart chicks with nice hooters – they are definitely out there. I have a lot of well-rounded lady friends who also happen to be damn smart. But we also all know a hell of a lot of dumbass chicks with massive hogans. And last night, I think I figured out the real reason why the smart ones are more likely to have just a handful to work with.

Yep, you got it. Genetics.

I was on the Internet, doing my usual surfin' and chattin', when I ran into a gal I used to talk with a while back. We'll call her Sharon, though her real name is Francine Holland of Atlanta, Georgia (just kidding, of course). After a bit, our conversation went in the direction that all Internet chats between a guy and a gal will go: Toilet Seats. You know the old story, guy leaves it up, gal wants it down. If she was going to argue it from the standpoint that it looks much cleaner when it is down, I probably would have agreed that she had a good point but that I would still leave it up here in my own apartment. But Sharon took it in a whole new direction, of course…

"But you have never gotten up to pee in the middle of the night and fallen in, cuz some dumbass went and left the toilet seat up!"

If she thought that was going to be a convincing comment, she was in for a rude awakening. After a moment of recovery, I replied, "You know, it's funny… I have never EVER heard of a guy getting a wet arse due to not putting the seat down. Are you actually saying you would sit down for a piss before checking the seat… and then call the person who left the seat up the dumbass??"

She replied, "Yes!"

"C'mon," I said, "that is like saying a woman can't tell if a door is open or not before walking through:
   Man: Hmm, there is door. Door is closed. Must open before I walk through.
   Woman: Hmm, there is door. THUMP. Ouch. THUMP. Ouch. Oh, I should open it first?
That must be why God gave women breasts, so they don't break their noses!"

Taken slightly aback, Sharon said: "Okay then, what about me?" (Now mind you, I have seen a few pictures of her -- very attractive, nice person, mid-sized melons. But of course, women never seem to feel that they are large enough, so she considers herself to have no chest.)

"I guess you must be more like a man then, smart enough to open the door at least half the time!"

At this point, our conversation digressed away from our current topic, but I think you get the picture. The truth has finally come out. Stupidity in women is not a direct result of large breasts, the converse is actually true. Genetics has developed a system of protection for those less-than-genius ladies to prevent broken bones and bruises…

Gotta love effective bumpers, eh?

-- Brian.