Miss Agnes Meholstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 14, 1997
Dearest John,
I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.
What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised!
Wish deepest love and affection,
Agnes ----------- Miss Agnes Meholstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 15, 1997
Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine — two turtle doves! I'm just delighted and tickled at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love and devotion,
Agnes --------------------- Miss Agnes Meholstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 16, 1997
Dear John,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagent one! Now, I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity — three French hens. . . . They are just darling, but I must insist — you've been too kind. . . .
Love,
Agnes ---------------- Miss Agnes Meholstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 17, 1997
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered your calling birds. . . . Now, really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough?
You are being too, too romantic. . . .
Affectionately,
Agnes -------------------- Miss Agnes Meholstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 18, 1997
Dear John,
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings; one for every finger! You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all of those birds' squawking was beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes ---------------------- Miss Agnes Meholstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 19, 1997
Dear John,
When I opened the door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? These geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop --
Cordially, Agnes ------------------ Miss Agnes Meholstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 20, 1997
John:
What's with you and these fucking birds? - seven swans a-swimming! What kind of a goddamned joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night, and I am a nervous wreck! It's not funny. . . . So stop with those fucking birds. . .
Sincerely,
Agnes -------------------- Miss Agnes Meholstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 21, 1997
O.K., Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with these eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their goddamned cows! There's shit all over the lawn, and I can't move in my house. Just lay off me, smart ass. . . .
Agnes ------------------ Miss Agnes Meholstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 22, 1997
Hey, shit-head,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing, and Christ, do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. . . .
You'll get yours, Agnes
Miss Agnes Meholstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 23, 1997
You rotten prick,
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. . . . They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep, and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit! The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm siccing the police on you
One who means it!
Miss Agnes Meholstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 24, 1997
Listen, fuckhead:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you satisfied you ROTTEN, VICIOUS SWINE!!!
Your sworn enemy, Agnes
Badger, Bender, and Cahold Attorneys-At-Law 303 Knave Street Chicago, Illinois
December 25, 1997
Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest receipt of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes Meholstein of Beaver Creek, Colorado.
Destruction, of course, was total.
All correspondence should be to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Meholstein at the Happy Dale Sanitorium you are advised that the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.