My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time
and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you
for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on
envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to
seal an envelope. I know it's true; why else did the Post Office change
to self-stick stamps?

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because
of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet
stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing
deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from, nor send
packages by, UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens"
are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer have to buy expensive
cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214
angels looking out for me. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only
answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and
make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387th time). I no longer have
any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that
Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special
e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now
return the favor!

    WARNING: If you don't send this e-mail to at least
    144,000 people in the next 7minutes, a large pigeon
    with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head
    at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon. I know this will occur
    because it actually happened to a friend of my next-
    door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
    cousin's beautician's plumber.

Enjoy!!
G. ☺