TO: P. Patterson, Partner, LFPS Layabouts for Hire

FROM: Personnel Department

RE: Updates to your file
______________________________________________________________________

As you were unable to attend the last board meeting of Lane, Fielding, Patterson & Swan, Layabouts for Hire (and at Large) LLC, I have been directed to forward these excerpts from the minutes of the meeting. I have done my best to divine the meaning of the notes, but as you can imagine, the Cheetos smears, beer stains and dog food crumbs have made it difficult.

It appears as though a new service is to be offered by LFPS, and before you are cleared to return to full duty, the risk management department requires that you attend training in order to safely perform the Supine Lying And Chair Kicking Entry, Recliner (SLACKER) in which the LFPS leisure service consultant launches himself laterally toward the recliner (placed within 40" of a 27" TV to comply with training standards) clearing the near side arm rest and landing in the chair without 1. jarring the remote control sufficiently to change the channel or 2. spilling his beer or Corn Nuts. Before full compression of the seat cusion is achieved, the consultant is required to retract the leg rest extension handle, throw his weight backward, and fully deploy the leg rest. Timing ends when a full, fruity, flatulent noise is audible in the testing area. This may be achieved by the movement of sweat pants across Naugahyde or organic means. Organic noises are encouraged, as higher billing rates apply.

It is also noted that you are the winner of this year's Fielding-Like And That's Our Ultimate Tribute (FLAT OUT) award for the least work done.

Please feel free to leave a voice mail if there's any less we can do for you.

Inanimately yours,

Lester Ennui
LFPS Personnel Department

"At LFPS, it's the least we can do"