Dear Mr. Catspaw,

Having recently learned of the difficulties you've had with your brass monkey, I am pleased to offer you the products and services of PATS (Perfect Arctic Trousers for Simians)

Often times cold can creep slowly upon your brass monkey, causing damage before any warning signs are evident. PATS offers its Look 'e's Freezing Those Numb Unprotected Testicles (LEFTNUT) alarm for just such an environment. As the temperature reaches freezing, you brass monkey is alerted to danger. As recording of Stormy Weather plays as a pleasant vibratory sensation is transmitted to your monkey's trousers. If he hears the tune, but doesn't receive the vibration, he's knows trouble is approaching. As we say at PATS, something's wrong if you hear the trill, but don't get the thrill. Batteries not included.

For older monkeys whose compensatory mechanisms don't allow them to keep up with sudden changes in the weather, PATS suggests its Self Contained Retracting Omnibus Testicular Elevator (SCROTE). A fleece lined pouch designed to accept all or part of your monkey's manhood, it can extend the service life your your monkey by up to three years.

The ultimate in winter comfort and safety is provided by our fur lined boxer shorts, available in a range of species. We call them: Heated Underwear, Mink, Muskrat, Ermine and Rabbit (HUMMER). Warmth, comfort and the certainty of a good time. Isn't that what any primate wants?

Please feel free to contact me if any of these goods meet your requirements.

Horace Hornbein, Western Sales and Services