Here they are. perhaps not the definitive version but this is from the singing of old Fred, who sadly collapsed and died two weeks ago on his way to our weekly session in Chester.

My grandfather's ferret was a creature of little merit
and it lived round the back in a cage.
If you peered in through the bars you'd see it's eyes like little stars
Glittering with impotent rage.
The smell it gave off made you splutter gasp and cough
and its habits were unspeakably gross.
And it bit off anything it could chew if you came too close.

When that ferret needed feeding someone always came back bleeding
or looking as white as a sheet.
When you opened up the door it was all out blooming war
and that ferret was fast on its feet.
It would go for your throat through two mufflers and a coat,
or savage a finger or two,
Then sit back with a satisfied little smirk,
like Wellington after waterloo.

One day my Auntie May thought she'd feed the ferret some hay
by poking it in through the wire.
But that beast thought that meat would be more of a treat
and with skill you had to admire
clamped its teeth upon her digit and went absolutely rigid
Aunt May thought she was going to expire
and the daft cow opened up the door to attack it from behind.

When that ferret saw that she had opened up the door,
it was out and at her in a flash
With a shriek of success it went streaking down her dress and
Aunt May wished she hadn't been so rash.
With his nasty little teeth he bit her underneath
on the bottom, round behind, and up the back.
And my Aunt May never smiled again,
and neither did my Uncle jack.