BETTER GRAMMAR THAN GOD

Bruce Nesmith (copyright 2000 Why Tuque? Music)

I was driving in western Illinois
On a warm but not too hot late summer day
Beneath the electric wires I found
A farmer's roadside stand along the way
Fresh strawberries and melons
Looked about as quaint as you might guess
But wouldn't you know "melons" was spelled
M-e-l-o-n apostrophe s

And I said, plural nouns don't take an apostrophe,
Plural nouns don't take an apostrophe
Plural nouns don't take an apostrophe
Take it out, take it out, take it out

In the town a major store
Enticing customers from far and wide
A most eye-catching sign
To welcome you and beckon you inside
Year-end close-out deals
Just about impossible to resist
But they couldn't resist spelling
D-e-a-l apostrophe s

But I said, plural nouns don't take an apostrophe,
Plural nouns don't take an apostrophe
Plural nouns don't take an apostrophe
Take it out, take it out, take it out

The sisters of AO Pi
Are generous and always doing good
All of them love animals
They treat them just like their mothers would
And when they seek donations
They seek them with a certain sort of grace
But s-i-s-t-e-r-s
Did not seek the apostrophe they placed

And I said, plural nouns don't take an apostrophe,
Plural nouns don't take an apostrophe
Plural nouns don't take an apostrophe
Take it out, take it out, take it out

My earthly life was over
I finally shuffled off this mortal coil
I arrived in paradise
To rest forever from my earthly toil
At the entrance were directions
To various celestial offices
God's of course and Jesus'
And the twelve disciple apostrophe s
And I said -
        (spoken) I started to say my thing about plural nouns and then something popped into my head. I don't know why. Something about the famous Puritan preacher Jonathon Edwards' sermon about "sinners in the hands of an angry God". That's not really my theology. I'm more of a universalist myself but I'm enough of a universalist to think that possibly Jonathon Edwards had it right. And when I get to heaven God will dangle me like a loathsome spider over the flame and say, "Say it, Grammar Boy. Say it." So I decided not to say it. Discretion is the better part of valour.

Oh what a beautiful city.
Oh what a beautiful city
Oh what a beautiful city
Twelve gate apostrophe s to the city, my lord.

From the CD "Mouth Full of Mustard" by Bruce Nesmith, Cedar Rapids, Iowa (bnesmith@coe.edu)