Here is the full transcript for the Two Ronnies "Gilbert and Sullivan" parodies. Just some trivia regarding this. There was an abbreviated version of this performed on the shows second series that omitted some of the best verses within the melody. A version was released on LP that contained everything bar the last verse. The last verse was included in a Christmas special they done in which the whole show was set in Edwardian times. Anyway, here is the full melody that includes all the verses…

(Tune: "Here's a How-de-do")

Hello how'd you do
We are bringing you
Songs by Sullivan and Gilbert
Hope they're going to fill the bill, but
Let us not waste time
Let us start the rhyme

(Tune: Yum Yum")

We, won't
Sing anything that is glum (Yum yum)
For this is the season
That gives us a reason
For drinking and filling our tum (Yum yum)
I must say it's alright for some
I eat what I like and don't put on a pound
I like what I eat; that is why I'm so round
Just keep off the starches
I've got fallen arches,
With carrying this lot around

(Tune: "The flowers that bloom in the spring Tra la")

The flowers that bloom in the spring, tra la,
Are blooming all over the place
The girls in the chorus that sing, tra la,
Each one is a beautiful thing, tra la,
A flower of feminine grace,
(A flower of feminine grace)
There's Lily and Iris, and Daisy, and Rose
There's also sweet William, but he's one of those,
But our favourite flower
She blooms by the hour
At twenty-six Bloomsbury Place

(Spoken: The next song is dedicated to my dear wife)

(Tune: "Take a pair of sparkling eyes")

Take a pair of bloodshot eyes
And a nose that's round and red
And a set of loose false teeth
Picture two gigantic thighs
And a pair of knobbly knees
With enormous boots beneath

Some men have pretty women
To go ridin' with, or swimmin'
Or parading round the park
Not for me those smiles and dimples
It's just bandy legs and pimples
So, if I fancy a saunter, I go after dark

Take a pair of rubber lips
And a pair of bumpy hips
And a voice just like a knife
Like a knife,
A complexion green as grass, it's a farce,
Yet alas!
That's what I see every day
In my looking glass!

(Tune: "Three little maids")

Three little maids one night I met
Each one a perfect little pet
Popped to the pub for something wet
Three little maids came too

Three lemonades I ordered first
That didn't satisfy their thirst
Then I realised the worst
Three lemonades won't do

They said "Let us try champagne"
Then they tried it once again
"Now we'll try the beer" they said
"Then we must be off to bed"

Well…
Fourteen pints and six gins later
Went upstairs for a baked potato
I woke up with the hotel waiter –
The three little chicks had strayed
Three little maids – unmade!

(Tune: "Tit-Willow")

A shy samurai went to London to buy
Two blankets, two sheets, and a pillow
And he married a maiden who first caught his eye
At that firm run by Waring and Gillow
There was never a subject they quarrelled about
Of their love for each other there wasn't a doubt
Till she wore a low neckline, 'twas then they fell out
They willow, they willow, they willow

(Tune: "A Policeman's lot is not a Happy one)

There's a sailor lying drunk and feeling peaky
Feeling peaky!
In the gutter where the pavement kerb he grips
Kirby grips!
And he cries my boat the Pinafore is leaky
Fore is leaky!
What the navy needs is more efficient ships
Fish 'n' chips!
When Lord Nelson lay a-dying at Trafalgar
At Trafalgar!
What did the gallant captain Hardy do?
Howdy Do!
Oh he kissed his leader sadly on the poop deck
On the poop deck!
There has never been a fond caress so blue!
Esso Blue!

(Tune: "He is an Englishman")

But now pray let us sing
Of that patriotic thing
That we call and Englishman
A true blue Englishman
Though beset by Income Taxes
They clutch their Union Jackses
And they wave them when they can
From the Khyber to the Congo
You will find a Pete or Pongo
That Intrepid Englishman
That ill-fated
Celebrated
Under-rated
Dear Old Englishman

(Tune: "Buttercup")

Dear little buttercup
Sweet little buttercup
Nonsense of course you're not fat
But dear little buttercup
Life you left buttock up
You've squashed my opera hat flat

(Tune: "When I was a lad")

When I was a lad of seventeen
I took my girls upon the village green
When I was a lad of twenty-one
I took 'em in the hayloft which was much more fun

Chorus:
He took 'em in the hayloft which was much more fun

But now I'm middle-aged you know
I take 'em anywhere they want to go
And when I'm old, why you can bet
I'll have to take what I can get

(Tune: "The Sunny Spanish Shore")

Now it's Christmas once again
Peace on earth goodwill to me
And of course the ladies too
They're the ones that see us through
When the relatives all come
Aunts and Uncles, Dad and Mum
And the air begins to hum

Very merry Christmas and the same to you
What a very pretty bonnet, why it looks brand new
Are you comfortable? Very
Will you take a glass of sherry?
It's so nice to see you merry,
Oh, sit down please do
(It's so nice to see you merry,
Oh, sit down please do)

When a trumpet blasts you ear
You awake at 5 o'clock
Then the children will appear
With an orange in a sock
And you wish that you were dead
And they thump you on the head
Till they get you out of bed
And it's

Look what Father Christmas brought along for me
Can I have another sweetie from the Christmas tree
And you try to mend a dolly
While pretending to be jolly
Then you sit upon some holly
And you spill your tea
(You sit upon some holly and its agony)

Quite apart from noise and fuss
What does Christmas mean to us?
It's a thing that we can share
It's a family affair
When we're once more far away
We will think about today
And then perhaps we'll say
Oh they

Really did it nicely as it should be done
There was such a lot of presents, and we all got one
Such pretty snowy weather
It was nice to be together
Such a very merry Christmas, oh we did have fun!
(Such a very merry Christmas, oh we did have fun!)