Here ya go...

PLASTIC PADDY
-Eric Bogle

Hup! dee diddle-ee diddle-ee diddle-ee diddle-ee diddle-ee diddle-ee dah
Hup! dee diddle-ee diddle-ee diddle-ee diddle-ee diddle-ee diddle-ee dah
Hup! dee diddle-ee diddle-ee diddle-ee diddle-ee diddle-ee diddle-ee dah
Hup! dee diddle-ee diddle-ee diddle-ee diddle-ee diddle-ee diddle-ee dah
He's just a plastic Paddy, singin' plastic Paddy songs
In a plastic Paddy pub that they call The Blarney Stone.
There's plastic shamrocks everywhere. there's Guinness and green beer
And a sign in Gaelic above the bar which says "God Bless All Here".

His guitar sounds like a wardrobe, and it's out of tune at that.
His singin' voice it ranges from A sharp to A flat.
He's just desecrated "The Holy Ground", ripped apart "Black Velvet Band",
Sang "Seven Nights Drunk" and now he's sunk "The Irish Rover" with all hands.
'Cause he's just a plastic Paddy, singin' plastic Paddy songs
In a plastic Paddy pub that they call The Blarney Stone.
The publican's a proddy Scot by the name of McIntyre
Who does not allow collections for the men behind the wire.

He's done awful things to "Molly Malone" and "The Fair Rose of Tralee".
He's murdered "Carrickfergus" and poor old "Mother Machree".
He's just thrashed his way through "Galway Bay" and "The Wild Irish Rose",
And if he starts singing "Danny Boy", I'm gonna punch him in the nose!
He's just a plastic Paddy, singin' plastic Paddy songs
In a plastic Paddy pub that they call The Blarney Stone.
There's Aer Lingus posters everywhere showing pretty Irish scenes,
All peaceful and idyllic, and very bloody green!

"When Irish Eyes are Smiling" and "The Mountains of Mourne"
In his search for Celtic cliché he has left no stone unturned.
'Til he embarks upon "The Harp That Once Through Tara's Halls"
Accompanying himself on the bodhrán, which takes a lot of—courage.
'Cause he's just a plastic Paddy, singin' plastic Paddy songs
In a plastic Paddy pub that they call The Blarney Stone.
Now he's just sung in his mother tongue, the ancient Irish Erse
And cleared the pub completely by the forty-second verse!

'Cause he's just a plastic Paddy, singin' plastic Paddy songs.
He's started singin' "Danny Boy", so it's time that I was gone.
And just one thought comes to my mind, as I stagger through the door"
Where are you when we need you, Christy Moore?
Where are you when we need you, Christy Moore?

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Note: Christy Moore is a popular folk singer in the UK and Europe, but probably not well known in the US.

Corrections from later posts have been incorporated into this one. --JoeClone, 22-Feb-06.