Oneliners

If you understand something today, it must
be obsolete.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a
grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

When in doubt . . . mumble.

To make a long story short, there's nothing
like the boss walking in.

Samuel Alito: Born on April Fools' Day
and nominated on Halloween. Is that
some kind of omen?

Foresight is knowing when to shut your mouth
before someone suggests it.

When a man is young, he is so wild, he is
insufferable. When he is old, he plays the
saint and becomes insufferable again.

Just think, this will be somebody's good ol' days.
How sad.

The easiest thing to be in the world is you.

Please, no math jokes. It will only cause
division.

France is a good example of immigration
out of control.

Scars are tattoos with better stories.

If brains were taxed, my spouse would get
a rebate.

I was born free, but now I'm expensive.

Evian flu? I knew that fancy bottled water
was gonna cause a problem!

Unless I can vote in the nude, buying jeans
and a T-shirt sounds like a poll tax to me.

If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a
picture is worth a thousand words, how
dangerous is a fax?

Despite the liberal use of holy water, chanting
and even garlic, my Corvette keeps getting
repossessed.

A pat on the back, though only a few vertebrae
removed from a kick in the pants, is miles
ahead in results.

Suicide bombers prove again that women
are smarter than men.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the
$10 haircut you used to get for five dollars
when you had hair."

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85
dollars. That is why, in the Navy, the Captain
goes down with the ship.

I have a problem with boxing. I don't understand
any sport where a guy who makes $11 million
is called "the loser."

A piece of advice should be like the common cold.
If you've got one, keep it to yourself.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

It's not a 'lost' look you see in my eyes, it's
a 'get lost' look.

Poor Arnold. I guess he's a one-term-inator.

People like you are the reason people like me
need medication.

If people looked like their passport pictures,
few nations would let them in.

Men aren't attracted to me for my mind.
They're attracted to me for what I don't mind.

Feminists miss the big picture. They want us to
be concerned about the fact that Barbie, if she
were a real woman, would have no internal
organs because her waist is too small.

I say, Barbie's got nothing to complain about in
the missing organ department . . .compared to
Ken.

I was always taught to respect my elders but,
it's getting harder and harder to find one.

Baseball is easier than golf. In baseball, you
hit the ball and someone else chases it.

College prepares the young adult for the business
world. It teaches one how to sit and look interested
for fifty minutes.

I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this
much, he doesn't like it when you join in.

One of the oldest human needs is having
someone to wonder where you are when you
don't come home at night.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make
once.

So, this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!

Experience is the thing you have left when
everything else is gone.