Me 'usband's stinkin' ex-parrot wot we sold on Ebay to the toff Wellington-Jones is DEAD!!!! I just read about it in the Independent!

HURRAH!!!! I'm so 'appy I could dance! I 'ated that bloody bird wif a passion and would 'ave killed it meself if Eddy 'ad let me, but 'e said 'e 'ad to get 'is money back wot 'e paid for it on Ebay in the first place, the stupid git! Our marriage was nearly destroyed by that wretched bird wot 'ad the foulest mouf I 'ave ever 'eard in all me born days. Now it's DEAD! Hah! I 'ope they burn it and scatter the bleedin' ashes to the four winds.

They say it died of alcohol, but I know wot it died of...sheer bleedin' nastiness, that's wot. It was a rotten bastard. It deserved to die.

I'm so 'appy I could bloody well burst! Set off the fireworks and declare a national 'oliday! 'Appy days are 'ere again!

- Olive Whatnoll