I think I should explain to those of you unfamiliar with the peculiarities of the Forest of Dean: this song relates to an incident that occurred some time around the turn of the 19th/20th Century. Apparently a group of gypsies were performing in Cinderford with a dancing bear. A child was reported missing and the general concensus of opinion was that the bear had devoured her. A group of Cinderford men pursued the gypsies and the bear as far as Ruardean where they proceeded to beat the bear to death. It then transpired that the little girl had been playing at a friend's house all the time.

The men were prosecuted for depriving the gypsies of their livelihood. When word got round, everyone was outraged at the brutality of the crime but, because it had occurred in Ruardean, the general assumption was that the residents of Ruardean were the culprits. The bear-loving folk of Ruardean strongly resented this and there is, allegedly, an emnity that exists to this day between the residents of Ruardean and those of Cinderford. It is said that, if you say to a Ruardean man "Who killed the bear?" you're liable to get a hiding. In truth, I've yet to meet anyone from Ruardean who actually takes offence at this rather surreal enquiry.

Anyway, that's the background.

Teddy Bears' Massacre

If you go down to the woods today
you're sure of a big surprise
If you go down to the woods today
you'd better be in disguise
for every bear that ever there was
is gathered there together because
today's the day the teddy bears get their own back

There is a legend among the bears
Of horrors in days gone by
Now retribution at last is theirs
As fur and feathers fly
Down in the leafy dingley dell
Unfolding there, a vision of Hell
Today's the day the teddy bears get their own back

They're leaping out everywhere
creeping up on the unaware
disemboweling descendants of
the buggers who killed the bear
It's a pretty horrific scene
in particular, Ruardean
where the deed
where the deed
where the terrible deed was done

So lock your doors and run upstairs
And tremble at every bump
Hell hath no fury that can compare
With a teddy that's got the hump
That grizzly bear without a doubt
Had plenty there to grizzle about
Today's the day the teddy bears get their own back

Payback time for teddy bears
the little teddy bears are having a lovely time today
Screaming, running everywhere
As hapless victims try to get away
Watch them rip and slash and tear
These critters'll rip you limb from limb without a care
And, at six o'clock, their mummies and daddies
Will take them home to bed
Because they're tired little teddy bears

(here, I suggest an instrumental break as mothers reassure their children)

Massacre time for teddy bears
They're having such fun, they're thinking of doing it every year
Their jaws a-drip and eyes a-stare
A jolly carnage carnival atmosphere
So, if you see a dancing bear
Before you beat the thing to death you should beware
If word gets round, they'll come to your town
And do the same to you
They're really PISSED little teddy bears!