I didn't write this - I found it over at the Co-mando list and thought some of you might enjoy it.

FROM THE BOOK OF JOB

(A newly discovered translation from the original Sumerian Gig Book)



1 And so it came to pass, during one evening's performance, that the

Sidemen were assailed by Doubts, and Darkness descended upon the

Bandstand.



2 And the Leader turned to his quaking flock, saying "My children,

why do you doubt me? Have I not led you through the Valley of the

Loading Dock to the Great Land of Long Breaks, Hot Meals, and

Overtime? Have I not banished the dreaded Macarena from the Set

List, and allowed thee to blow on selected numbers? Do we not play

the Correct Changes on the Bridge of Girl From Ipanema, and do we not

play Motown selections at the proper Tempi? And do I not pay you all

equitably, neither overpaying the Chick Singers nor underpaying the

Horn Players? And are there not Charts for the Horns, so that thou

needst not Fake Parts?



3 So why dost thou protest when I call The Willie Nelson Song, or The

Jackson 5 Ballad? Are they not preferable to Achey Breaky Heart or

anything by Celine Dion? Wouldst thou rather suffer Flung Beverage

Containers or Scowls and Hectoring by the Aunts and Uncles?"



4 And the Sidemen answered him, "But Father, we look out into the

Dance Floor, and we see The Maelstrom; We fear the Young Ones with

Pierced Body Parts, as well as the Ancient Ones with Canes and

Walkers; Also do we fear the Bridesmaids with the Large Hair, and

the Groomsmen with Cigars and Dishevelled Tuxedos; Also do we fear

the Relatives from the Great Southwest, as well as those from

California, and from New York; Also do we regard with Fear and

Loathing the Party Planner, and the Room Captain; But mostly do we

fear the Bride, and Her Mother, who ruleth the Earth, yea, even above

you, our Leader."



5 And the Leader looked and saw that this was true. And he took his

Book, and he flung it down into the Buffet Heaters; And he took his

Microphone stand, and he broke it over his knee; And he took his Red

Bow Tie, and he rent it asunder.



6 And the Leader turned to the Party Planner, and he said, "Now you

have no power over me, Minion of Evil." And he turned to the Room

Captain, and he said, "I will leave by the Lobby Entrance". Next he

turned to the Bride, and he said "Take thy Whitney Houston CD and

place it upon your person where thy Groom may find it during the

first night of your Honeymoon". And the Leader spoke unto the

Bride's Mother, saying "Thy Daughter is a Spoiled, Bratty Turd. May

it come to pass that she will divorce her Callow Husband and return

to live with thee, along with her three screaming children for the

rest of thy Natural Life".



7 And finally the Leader spoke unto the Saxophonist, saying "The

band is yours, Zoot."



8 Then the Leader went to his home where he slept deeply and

soundly. The next day he awoke smiling, and began Making Calls to

find work as a Sideman.

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