I'm a Salt River roarer! I'm a ring-tailed screamer from the ol' Mississip'! I'm half wild horse and half cock-eyed alligator and the rest of me is crooked snags an' red-hot snapping turtle. I can out-run, out-jump, out-shoot, out-brag, out-drink, out-talk, out-fight, out-run, an' out-love any man on both sides of the river from St. Anthoy Falls to New Orleans an' back again to St. Louiee, and then up the Mizzoury clear ta the Yellerstone! I got a bite that'll tear a two-inch wire rope in half with one chomp, and I kin out-play any rock star on the gittar, trumpet, accordine, harmoniky, mandylin, zither, or dulcymore! I make the mountains set up and roar each mornin' when I kick the sun up, and I put 'em ta sleep each night when I stomp the sun down so the moon kin shine. I kin gut a deer er elk faster an' better than any two city wimmin and I kin shoot straighter'n an blind man you wanna name! When I stomp my right foot the thunder roars, an' when I stomp my left foot the lightnin' strikes! My right fist is pure meteor iron chilled down in the depths of outer space and my left fist is bubonic plague, bird flu, and the Seven Horsemen of the Apokylipse! I kin out-reckon an' out figger any college perfesser you know, and I kin read faster and remember more than that steam drill John Henry beat down! An' in addition to all that, I'm right proud to be as humble as I am!