Really Bad Irish Jokes for St. Patrick's Day



Paddy O'Reilly told his wife he didn't want to be confined to bed, fed with liquids and connected to machines. So his wife threw out his armchair and TV , and poured all his beer down the sink.


Did you hear that Genetic Engineers developed a Seven-leaf Shamrock? The only problem seems to be you get a week's bad luck for picking it.


Drunken O'Hara went into a Chinese restaurant and ordered corned beef and cabbage. They brought him green beer and a fortune Cookie which said "The Universe Changes- So Must You!"


Freddie' O'Hanlon woke up on Saint Patrick's Day dressed and found himself so jaundiced his skin had turned a bright orange. "Bejeezus!" he said, and went to his doctor. The Doctor told him his must immediately quit drinking immediately but when he got the bill the orange quickly changed to bright red.


Kelly the drunk goes into a bar and announced he has a magical frog. "You've gone bonkers," say the patrons. "Watch this!" says Kelly, and he takes the frog out of his pocket. The frog starts singing like Pavarotti "Big deal," says the barman. "You're using an amplifier!" The barman takes the frog and throws it into the sink. It disappears down the drain. A couple of years later Kelly comes back and says "I have three magical frogs!" But when the barman tries to grab the frogs and dump them they hop off in different directions and start singing in three-part harmony. But they only know one song, and the barman looks at Kelly and says "I can't stand that. I'll give you free beer for a year if you shut them up.!" So Kelly whistles and the three frogs hop back into his pocket. Kelly looks at the barman and says "Next time, throw the frog in the microwave!"



Tommy Toohey got drunk one afternoon and stumbled into a Temple, where the elders were discussing the Torah. He saw the bearded men looking into a scroll and ran out swearing off the sauce forever "Jesus, Joseph and Mary," said Toohey, "I never dreamed my sins were that numerous!That was one hell of a long list!"


A Boston bartender accidentally put a permanent green dye into the beer. All his patrons turned green. "Don't worry!. said a patron. "It'll wear off before the Celtics are out of the playoffs!"


An Irish Priest thought it was time he learned to use the internet. So he was surfing along and came to a rather risqué website. He was interested and repelled at the same time. The Monsignor came in and asked "Doing a bit of research?" The Priest said "Better the Devil you know than the Devil you don't!


McNamara the Priest went into the Confessional, when a well-know politician came in and said "Bless me , father, it's been twenty years since my last confession" "Don't worry!" said the Priest "The Lord will lighten your load!" So then the Politician started listing all the sleazy deals he had made in the last twenty years. It went on for hours. "You needn't go into so much detail!" said the Priest. "But I must get everything off my chest!", said the Politician. Finally the Priest said" That's enough! Your sins are forgiven. Say five Hail Maries and sin no more!"

'But that's impossible!" said the Politician. "It's my nature to lie, cheat, and steal" Just as the exhausted Priest was leaving the Church he heard the squeal of brakes and a dull thud. The Priest ran over to see the Politician standing over a dead homeless man. "Thank God!" said the politician. That could have been me". "Hope springs eternal" said the Priest.


A Leprechaun was out for a walk one day when he found himself scooped up in a lepidopterist's net. "Give me three wishes!" said the Butterfly man "And no tricks!" So the Leprechaun starting listing the rules. "Three wishes only. No duplication. The third wish can't be for three more wishes There are no returns and no exchanges" But the Leprechaun was startled when the butterfly man suddenly turned him loose. "You don't even want one wish"" said the startled elf. "Too much fine print!" said the Butterfly man. So the Leprechaun turned him into a toad.

A couple of Irish-American Politicians were visiting Ireland and were comparing backgrounds. "My Great-grandfather was so poor they had to eat rotten potatoes and sleep seven to a bed." "That's nothing!" said the second Politician." My family was so poor they pretended they were English!"



On Saint Patrick's Day a child accidentally went to school with an Orange shirt and green socks. He got pinched by every kid in school and went home to change clothes. "Why did you let me wear those clothes?" he complained bitterly. "What's the matter? said his mother. "Are they teasing you about the turban again?"



An Irish tout was pleading with his customer to put all his money on a horse called "Pride of Ireland". But the savvy customer referred to the racing form and said "That nag has finished last in every race' "But this time the horse can't lose" said the tout "it's a one-horse race!"



Paddy bought a parrot and took it home. The parrot would sing "When Irish Eyes are Smiling" and "Danny Boy" incessantly. The wife complained, and said "Teach that stupid bird something new!" But no matter ho hard he tried, the bird only would sing those two songs. But one night the constable brought the drunken husband home nearly unconscious and the bird broke out in "God save the Queen!"





A farmer went out one day to milk the cow. He was shocked when the milk came out green. He yelled at his wife "The milk's green again" "What do you expect when you feed it nothing but shamrocks!"



An Irishman named Reilly applied to be a London Bobby. He was shocked when he was actually hired. They put him to work in Cheapside, where his chief job was pulling Irish drunks out of the dustbins. One day he pulled a drunk out of an alley and the drunk saw his nametag. "Say, you wouldn't be a Reilly from Donegal?"

"That would be my mother's family" said the amused copper.

"Would you believe I made love to a re-haired wench there one day?" "No, I wouldn't!, said the copper. 'She had a mole on her chest" The astonished bobby dropped the drunk in the street.

"That would be me mum," he said. "Did she wear a crucifix?"

"Yes, and I kept it for a souvenir!" and the drunk pulled the keepsake from his pocket!

"You might be my father" said the astonished copper. "I'll have to let you go!"

But instead of hugging him, the drunk hauls off and punches the cop in the nose! 'That's it" said the cop. "Now I'm going to have to take you in!"

"Why'd you punch me?" asked the cop.

"No wanker son of mine would ever work for the Brits!" said the drunk.