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George W. Bush has missed his big chance. He should have made an emergency address to the nation on Saturday, taking over all TV and radio channels:

"Mah fellow Americans, this is an emergency announcement. Ah must inform you that as of 9AM today we have commenced full scale attacks on Iran and Syria, simultaneously, using our ground, air, and naval forces in Iraq, Azerbaijan, Kuwait, Tajikistan, a couple of those other...Stans...and our fleets in the Persian Gulf and the Indian Ocean are launchin' attacks as I speak. Furthermore, Israel is participatin' in these attacks with the full weight of their military might. Our allies in the UK are also lendin' their full support in this major offensive which we intend to press forward until final victory is achieved. Ah also must inform you that the People's Republic of China has broken off diplomatic relations and our satellite reconaissance has detected massive Chinese troop movements which appear t' be aimed at assaulting our troops in Afghanistan, as well as invadin' Taiwan and bombin' Japan. We have issued a stern warning to the Chinese advising them that any attack on our people or our allies will be met by a massive retaliation. We have not ruled out the use of nukular weapons, if required. I was surprised and deeply hurt at 9:30 this mornin' when I heard that the Russians issued a warning that if we use our nukes on anyone they may respond in a similar fashion, nuke for nuke. We shoot one. They shoot one. They have promised not to target the American homeland if we don't target the Russian homeland, but they say they will target our military forces in the Middle East and the Caspian region if we do not cease fire by 9PM tonight and withdraw to our start line. I did not expect this from my good friend Vladimir Putin, and I guess this means that he is not a friend of America after all. Well, personally, I don't think they have the guts to do it. I really don't. I mean, I would if I was them, but I'm from Texas, and that's different. At any rate, I expect we can wrap this whole thing up in a coupla weeks with minimal...yes, I would say minimal losses, and we can occupy Iran and Syria long before the Chinese or the Russians can do much about it, and then they will see reason.

Now, I am going to show you all on this big screen here where our forces are at, and how they are doing right now. Jim....would you please turn that projector on the big screen.

(G.W. walks over to the big screen. There are some fast-scrolling numbers, a quick visual of the Haliburton logo, saying "We Work For America and You"...and then..........)


!!! A*P*R*I*L F*O*O*L*S !!!   


(Big roar of laughter from the laugh track and press gallery)

and G.W. grins roguishly at the camera and says, "Had ya all fer a minute there, didn't I?"