In the UK barbeque means Dad standing obscured by smoke for an hour, legs just visible. He is usually sporting a paper chef hat and balancing a can of beer on the rim of a nearby plant pot.

Mum sits in a fold up deckchair (new from B and Q). She has an old cardi over her knees to ward off the chill and a glass of asti within arms reach.

The kids are indoors because it is too cold/windy/rain to venture out.

The cat has decamped to a few doors down until the garden becomes his own again.

After an hour Dad roars that "Grub's up." At which point the family assemble clutching paper plates and squint through the smoke.

The plates fill up with raw chicken legs, cremated burgers and an orange/brown looking lump of corn on the cob. Mum then takes the plastic covers off the coleslaw and potato salad and uses the contents to disguise the burnt food.

The cat (feeling optomisitc) skulks back to view proceedings and knocks over the precariously balanced tin of beer. Dad curses.

Everyone perches somewhere not too damp and eats as quickly as possible as the shivering makes it hard to hold the paper plate.

Clouds obscure the very wan sun that peeped out for ten minutes. The rain starts. The assembled crowd pick up their plates and dash for the dry conservatory, where they watch the rain chuck it down.

Barbeque gets soaked. Next day they wash the snail/slug slime off it and cover it up with green plastic. It gets put to the back of the shed for another year.