The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #59418 Message #1717175
Posted By: Rapparee
13-Apr-06 - 09:06 AM
Thread Name: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
Subject: RE: BS: The Mother of all BS threads
Wunderbar! Job interviews are good any time of the year, but even moreso in Spring.
I assume that it's Spring in Scotland. That's in the Northern Hemisphere, isn't it? I mean, I think it's somewhere near Tir na nOg or the Isles of the Blessed or the Duchy of Grand Fenwick. At least I'm pretty sure it is. Anyway, here's some interview tips.
1. Show them you're interested by playing with stuff on the interviewer's desk. Or drum you fingers on the desk. Or both.
2. Let them know you don't REALLY need the job by letting them know you have money -- jingle some coins in your pocket throughout the interview, or periodically pull out your wallet and count the bills therein.
3. Yawn a lot. It shows them that you'll stay up late and work.
4. Let them think you know lots of famous and/or influential people. Say something like, "Oh yes, Liz. Have you ever been in her bedroom at Buckingham Palace?" or "That Tony Blair! Quite the cut-up, you know!" or "Paul's got nice digs, but they only serve that awful vegetarian food" or even "You know, the last time I was with her Camilla rolled over and said almost the exact same thing!"
5. If the interviewer is a woman, put the moves on her. Same thing if it's a man, if you're so inclined.
6. Expel gas from either the upper or lower orifices and make some comment like, "Whoa! That tasted better going down than coming back up!" It shows you're both well-fed AND witty.
7. Interviewers are impressed if you dress like you don't need the job. A tee shirt that says something fairly tasteful is always appropriate, especially if it's fairly clean.
8. Arrive late; it shows how important you are.
9. Borrow a pen and some paper to take notes; try to remember to return the pen. Or better, surreptiously tape the interview so you can use it later in court if you're not hired.
10. Demonstrate how health conscious you are by refusing to shake hands. You might also consider wearing a surgical mask.
No need to thank me for these tips. Good luck.