I have been asked to pose as a soothsayer/alchemist character at the forthcoming Guildford Summerpole day organised by the Pilgrim Morris Men. The vision I have is some kind of random Gandalf the Grey-type figure uttering mad vaguely-humorous oaths/words of wisdom upon demand between the gaps between the dancing. Ideas so far include The Weather Forecast monologue by Marty Feldman, Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll, Stop All the Clocks by W.H. Auden, Our Revels Now are Ended by Shakespeare, and lines from Is This the End of the World as we Know It by REM. Any more ideas?

The result, as said, needs to be brief, loud, humourous (punch line an advantage), not too embarassing, and suitable for an audience of mixed shoppers, bystanders and morris people, and made before I retire betweentimes to the Summer King's court to taste the King's beer lest it should be poisoned!