WHAT THE BARKER SAID
Henry Jankiewicz

As I went down to the carnival,
I paid my fare—Come one, come all!—
And as I strolled out on the bright midway,
I heard the barker say:

Come see Miss Serpentina.
She's the unabash-ed queen of
Danger, doom, and derring-do
Who lets herself be cut in two.

And see the colorful tattooed lady
With her little tattooed baby,
Born in Pennsylvania,
Covered with decalcomania.

And see The Slasher throw his knife
And shave the down off his lovely wife.
See the two-headed dog and the three-tailed cat
And the honest Democrat.

And see the fire-eater eat
A smorgasbord of ghastly treats.
Why, he'll eat napalm and chili beans,
Rinse it out with kerosene.

This hardy gastronomic adventurer
Resists infernal temperatures.
Why, he guzzles acid and he snorts propane
And vomits balls of flame.

Sacrifice a minuscule proportion of your wealth.
Step inside and witness these amazements for yourself.
And if you'll wait one bit,
You ain't seen nothin' yet.

See the flying equestrian
Play sousaphone and mandolin
While taking a ninety-nine-foot plunge
Into a soggy sponge.

Come see the elephant-skin boy
Torture, punish, and annoy
His epidermis, far from frail,
While lying on a bed of nails,

Face down while thirty brawny (?) volunteers,
All as big as Texas steers,
Juggle giant bags of lime
And dance a polka up and down his spine.

As I went down to the carnival,
I paid my fare—Come one, come all!—
And as I strolled out on the bright midway,
I heard the barker say:

[Spoken:] That's for sure....
I've seen this all before....
No thanks!

[Sung by the Cranberry Lake Jug Band on their album "If This Ain't Genius," Kicking Mule LP 339, 1986.

[You can hear an archived radio program that contains this song. Click to play. The song begins 48 minutes and 18 seconds from the beginning of the program. (RealPlayer lets you skip to the part you want.)

[For another song written by Henry Jankiewicz and recorded by the Cranberry Lake Jug Band, see EINSTEIN THE GENIUS.]