LEOPOLD ALCOCKS
by Jake Thackray

Leopold Alcocks, my distant relation,
Came to my flat for a brief visitation.
He's been here since February, damn and blast him
My nerves and my furniture may not outlast him.

Leopold Alcocks is accident prone.
He's lost my bath plug, he's ruptured my telephone.
My antirrhinums, my motorbike, my sofa
There isn't anything he can't trip over.

As he roams through my rooms, all my pussycats scatter.
My statuettes tremble, then plummet, then shatter.
My table lamps tumble with grim regularity.
My cut glass has crumbled and so has my charity.

Leopold Alcocks, an uncanny creature
He can't take tea without some misadventure:
He looks up from his teacup with a smirk on his features
And a slice of my porcelain between his dentures.

He's upset my goldfish, he's jinxed my wisteria
My budgie's gone broody, my tortoise has hysteria.
He cleans my teapots, my saucepans, with Brasso
And leaves chocolate fingerprints on my Picasso.

Leopold Alcocks never known to fail
Working his way through my frail Chippendale.
One blow from his thighs (which are fearsomely strong)
Would easily fracture the wing of a swan.

I brought home my bird for some Turkish moussaka
Up looms old Leopold I know when I'm knackered.
He spills the vino, the great eager beaver,
Drenching her jumpsuit and my joie de vivre.

Leopold Alcocks stirring my spleen
You are the grit in my life's vaseline.
A pox on you Alcocks! You've been here since Feb'ry
Go home and leave me alone with my debris.

So Leopold Alcocks, my distant relation,
Has gone away home after his visitation.
I glimpsed him waving bye-bye this last minute
Waving his hand with my doorknob still in it.

from

www.monologues.co.uk/Comic_Songs/Leopold_Alcocks.htm