Ooerr! I'd be scared to use most of the put-downs here in the places I normally play, (a) because they'd probably offend the whole audience (not just the heckler) - these venues often have youngsters present and I wouldn't feel comfortable with the references to oral s*x, inc*st, etc.; and (b) because they're small venues and I wouldn't feel safe being a few feet away from a hulking great drunken brute who might decide to smash my instrument over my head in response. Maybe I've led a sheltered life?!

Does anyone have any "family friendly" putdowns? I haven't so far had too much problem with hecklers, but it would be nice to shut up people nattering in the background while I'm introducing songs, etc., which is the only problem I regularly experience.