"A Retired Husband"

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months your husband, Mr.
Bill Fenton, has been causing quite a commotion
in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of
behavior and have considered banning the
entire family from shopping in any of our stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video
surveillance equipment.

Three of our clerks are attending counseling
from the trouble your husband has caused. All
complaints against Mr. Fenton have been
compiled and are listed below.

Wal-Mart Complaint Department MEMO

Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints -

15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his
spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and
randomly put them in people's carts when
they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares
to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told
her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares.....
and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and
asked to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET
FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told other shoppers he'd invite
them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can
help him, he begins to cry and asks 'Why can't
you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security
camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his
nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in
the hunting department, asked the clerk if he
knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store
suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department,
practiced his "Madonna look" using different
size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and
when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!"
"PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement
came over the loud speaker, he assumes the
fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those
voices again!!!!"

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room,
shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled,
very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!!!"