Rikki Tikki, your lame attempts had me rolling in stitches - somehow a mixed metaphor seems appropriate here. I particularly like your uffishly reflected "All black umbrella day!" - the perfect sentiment when in the slough of despond (or in a cold November downpour near a Costco full of stew). Cheers!

P.S. Er, where exactly is this spot where things will come out of the surf in the middle of the night and have sex with you? I'm getting on in years, and... Is the selchie really as great as they say?