To: P.F. Patterson
Fr: LFPS Personnel Department
Re: Birthday

Dear Mr. Patterson,

It has come to the attention of the personnel department of Lane, Fielding, Patterson & Swan, Layabouts for Hire that you have applied for the birthday benefit of 1.5 payrate for the day, in lieu of time off. Although we are grateful that you have not lumbered us with attempting to discern when you're intentionally doing nothing, as opposed to congentially doing nothing, we must regretfully deny your request. By our calculation, you have used more lives than a cat, thus placing your birthday account in the negative column for some years to come.

Of greater concern to us is your recent spate of good health and the image it presents. Henceforth, and for the good of the company, until such time as you are able to present a record of professional quality indolence at least forty hours each week, your benefits will be held in an administrative account. In short, Mr. Patterson, you're doing too much. While we celebrate for your return to health, just think how it looks to the public. For several years, you had the second best profile in the company. Now you're frisking about smoke free with a svelte chick on your arm. Really, Mr. Patterson, you've an image to uphold. Get back on the couch. Our inspectors will drop by your jobsite to inspect for Cheetos stains on your fingers, remote control callouses and beer stains on your beater. Remember, at LFPS, in our endeavor to provide the least, we never sleep. Well, that's not really true, but you get the point.

AT LFPS, if we could do less, we would.